More Breasts Than A Bucket of Chicken

So we went to a breastfeeding class the other night, and it in no way met my expectations.  And considering I didn't have many expectations, that is pretty bad.  I didn't really want to go to the class in the first place.  I was tired from work, so I just wanted to stay at home and nap.  Plus I didn't have a clue what a person could say about breastfeeding that could take up two hours.  Well let me tell you!  I felt like at the end of the whole spiel I was going to walk out with a timeshare in Fort Lauderdale.

YOU MUST BREASTFEED AND ONLY BREASTFEED

OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the feeling I got from the "instructor" of the class.  This woman yammered on for 2.25 hours about the same few thoughts, and I felt like she was overselling the whole idea of breastfeeding.  I mean we obviously went to the class to learn more about breastfeeding, so it's not like she had to really convince us.

It was also super awkward every time she mentioned how important the dad's role is to the process.  Especially since there was another lesbian couple sitting right next to us holding hands, in the front row.  The slides behind her were more PC with the word "partner" but she kept saying dad.  It's not a huge deal, especially since the norm with couples having babies is to have a mom and a dad, but it just felt dumb considering she was five feet away from a bunch of obviously gay women. Noooooo, we didn't all have on our flannel shirts and Birkenstocks.  But we were holding hands with our respective partners.

Anywho, I saw way more breasts than I ever wanted to that night.  And I can't believe I just said that.

I'm Trying Not To Panic....

....but it's not working.  Today we are at 36 weeks, which to me means nothing.  But according to the baby website the baby will be full-term at the end of this week.  I call FALSE ADVERTISING!  If you are going to give a baby's due date, then give the full-term date, none of this over-cooking date.  How ridiculous is that??  A due date is when the baby is due, not a "let's shoot for this day" kind of date.  So basically I'm told that it could be any day now.  ANY DAY NOW.  I, on the other hand, have replied that the baby will not come until noon on the due date.  So August 27 at 12pm is when baby will be born.  My last day of work is the 23rd, so I have given permission to the baby to come any day after that, but not sooner.  I did not hear any back-talk in reply, so I'm gonna assume that the baby is in agreement.

So there are some things to note this week.  The baby is around 6lbs (according to the website) and weighs as much as a "Crenshaw melon".  Seriously, I don't know who chooses these comparison foods.  In case you were curious (and I know you are) some other things that weigh 6lbs are a gallon of milk, and a human's skin.  Did you just picture it sitting in a pile like discarded clothing?  You did now.  You're welcome for the mental picture.

The baby is getting rid of its "downy covering of hair" and the waxy film that is is covered in.  And guess what!  It's swallowing all of it, and that's what its first bowel movement will consist of.  They actually mentioned that.  So gross. So, so gross.  I really didn't need to know that.  That would be like eating any skin that peels off from a sunburn, and licking off any sweat.  Once again, you're welcome.

Made With 100% Natural Products

pi·ca/ˈpīkə/

Noun:

2. A tendency or craving to eat substances other than normal food (such as clay, plaster, or ashes), occurring during childhood or pregnancy

Thank goodness my wife is only intensely craving ice right now, because I don’t know if I could sleep next to her if she was eating things like dirt or ashes.  The ice cravings have been going on for quite a while now, and there are times where I think the wife would do anything to get some ice.  She has become very generous in getting me Slurpees because then she has a reason to get a large cup of ice.  You may be wondering why she has to buy her ice by the cup.  Well, I have learned over the last little while that all ice is not created equal.  Shocked? I thought so.  The ice you make in your freezer at home is quite hard, the ice you buy by the bag is a bit softer, but the ice you buy in convenience stores to go in soft drinks....premium quality ice.  Apparently it tastes amazing, but honestly I prefer this last type because it doesn't sound like she is going to snap off a tooth.  

There are some evenings where I forget that she eats ice, and all of a sudden I hear crunching and think to myself, "man whatever she's eating sounds really good."  Then I remember that she is not eating anything of nutritional value, and go back to blocking the sound out.  I wonder if this is one of those old wives tales where the baby is going to be an excellent skater or will be an avid member of the polar bear club.  Only time will tell, I guess.

Hello. Is It Me You're Looking For?

Well hello blog.  Long time no see.

 It has been brought to my attention by a few of my friends that they do not appreciate seeing a post about poop every time they come to read my blog.  That and they want to read more of my awesome wittiness.  Maybe that last part is a bit of a stretch.  Nonetheless, I am really going to try to commit to this blog, and write in it waaaaayyyyy more often than I have been.  If I don't, I believe there are those who will give me the kick in the butt that I need to get on it.

So good night, and see you soon.

This Is The Crap I'm Looking Up....Literally

We have been discussing diapers lately - cloth vs. disposable - and I was curious about how many diapers a baby goes through in a week.  Then I began to look at diaper results with breast milk vs. formula.  Gah!  So many factors!  But check out the lovely image I found (parts omitted to protect the innocent):

Sorry, I guess I should've warned you a bit with that one.  But really, it was pretty much there in the title.

Ew Spit It Out!

We are at 29 weeks now, which means only 10ish weeks left.  You heard me...10ish weeks left!  Let's stay calm though.  We can get through this together.  According to the website the peanut is around 2.5 pounds, which is the weight of a butternut squash.  On a side-note, I'm not a fan of the squashes.  The wife loves 'em, but I choke it down while she stares at me.  Anywho, we went for an ultrasound on Tuesday, and our baby actually weighs about 2lbs 13oz.  The wife is worried that the parasite is going to weigh in around the 10 pound mark, but the ultrasound guy thinks it will be smaller.  Thank goodness!  I don't think I could ever look at my wife the same way again if she pushed out a 10 pound object.  I just cannot see anyone bounce back from that fully.

I saw the baby yawn on the ultrasound, which melted me heart.  Not yet born, and it already has me wrapped around a finger.  I couldn't help thinking of how I yawn though.  Mouth stretched open, eyes disappearing, and...oh yeah...inhaling!  What the heck is the little one inhaling?  It's pretty much 29 week-old bath water at this point.  Try yawning without inhaling.  It's super creepy, and you can't do it.  So you know that the baby is inhaling the fluid.  What would be fantastic to see would be the baby blowing bubbles in the fluid.  I mean if you have all that time in there, you may as well have some fun.

28 Weeks

I have missed a lot the past week or more.  I had an emergency at work that took up way too much of my energy, and left me absolutely drained.  I have not only neglected this blog, but I have neglected the baby too.  While I was focused on myself, my baby went from being as long as a cucumber to weighing as much as a head of cauliflower and now to weighing as much as a much as a Chinese cabbage.  Honestly, I'm not even going to look up a Chinese cabbage because I feel that I would only be perpetuating the ridiculous comparisons that the website makes to vegetables and fruit.  Possible conspiracy to get me to buy these vegetables and fruit perhaps? I think so.

Some other highlights include some sporty eyelashes that the little parasite can blink with, the ability for the little one to suck on fingers (ew), and baby is getting some pudge now to fill out that wrinkly skin that we talked about previously.  We have the ultrasound next week so I guess we will see just how pudgy the little one is getting.

Baby is pretty darn active these days, and ranges from kicking the wife in the bladder to snuggling up against her ribs.  Awww doesn't that sound cute? No, no it does not.  The thought of it actually creeps me out.  Last night the wife told me to look at her stomach, and I swear to Jebus that the baby did a somersault right before my eyes.  It was like when you see something move right below the surface of the water, and it makes a small bubble of movement on top.  Creepy.  The wife usually says, "aren't you looking forward to going through this?"  To be quite honest I am a little curious about the whole thing, but I'm also very creeped out by the thought of having something alive inside of me.  To get the same feeling as me, think about having a tumor inside of you.  Not your everyday, run-of-the-mill type of tumor, but the one with teeth and hair.  I know that it's not fair to compare the two, but really that type of tumor grows too.  And the last time I checked, only living things grow.  Just saying.  Oh and if you google "tumor with teeth and hair" you just may throw up a little.  In case you had the urge.