Best Game Ever

I have started playing a new game with my unborn child.  I have completely given up on the idea of ever talking to the little peanut.  Too creepy.  And to be quite honest, does it really care what I have to say?  I know, I know, it's my voice that is the point.  But I really just don't have anything that's good enough to say out loud to myself, or the wife, so why would I force myself to say things just for the baby?  Exactly.

So my interactions with my baby are more physical than verbal.  The game consists of me blowing on my wife's stomach...you know, making the farting sounds...and then the parasite kicking/punching my wife and me.  We had a good round the other night.  That is, until the game came to a screeching halt when the little bugger kicked my wife's bladder, and she shouted "okay! game over!"  It was fun while it lasted.  The baby seemed to enjoy it anyway.  Unless it was really just pissed off and kicking to get me to stop.  Nahhhh.

One Fat Cuke

Oh my word we are at 26 weeks!  The little parasite is up to its usual shenanigans in its cave.  Every now and then the cave will suddenly push out and to the left side of my wife's belly button.  I was laying on my wife's stomach the other night and the little peanut kicked me in the head.  It's cute now, but if I let this kind of behavior continue what will my parenting style turn into?  Will I be a pushover?  Will our child walk all over me?  Man I hope not.  I may have to start cracking the whip now.

The little one is now weighing in at around a pound and two-thirds, and is as long as an English hothouse cucumber.  I have no idea what distinguishes an English hothouse cucumber from other cucumbers.  And is there a difference between English cucumbers and English hothouse cucumbers?  I have a feeling these aren't the questions I should be asking.  I looked up English hothouse cucumbers and there were many links for pregnancy descriptions.  Either everyone knows what an English hothouse cucumber is, or there are more people who read the baby site I go to than just myself.  I'm gonna go with the latter.

Some other highlights include better hearing, and our baby inhaling some amniotic fluid.  Apparently this is good for the little one, and helps its lungs to develop.  Sure, it's good for a baby to inhale liquid, but when I inhale the smallest amount of saliva I cough for days.  Damn old people lungs.

Oh come on! You were thinking it too!

Maybe Climbing Stairs With A Hippo On Back?

The other day my wife compared pregnancy to "climbing Mount Everest."  I have heard this before whilst reading about pregnant women's journeys.  Don't get me wrong, I do believe that the creation of a living human bean inside you is quite a feat.   I do, however, think that the previous statement might be stretching it a bit.  Not to mention a huge cliche.  I mean, during the one: you gain an average of 27 pounds, eat a lot of weird items, and create a peanut inside of you.  During the other: you climb 29,029 feet, attempt to pee without having it freeze to your bits, and encounter a "death zone" during the last part of the ascent.

I'm almost positive climbing Mount Everest is waaayyy harder.  When the wife starts asking me for oxygen tanks and some Sherpas to help her carry them, then I will have more sympathy for her using this statement.  And really all pregnant women should change their wording for that matter.  Instead they should adopt a new motto.  "Pregnancy: Like Climbing An Ant-Hill" or "Pregnancy: Like Climbing a Hill With a Toddler."  Don't worry people, I got this covered.  I will figure this thing out if it kills me.  Nah that's exaggerating a touch.  I will try to figure this out until my wife kills me.  Yeah that sounds more accurate.

Worst. Blog. Ever

I am a horrible blogger, and I would totally understand if you chose not to read this thing anymore.  I need to get on the ball with this thing.

First of all for the updates.  We are at 25 weeks this week, and I'm not gonna lie, I am a little panicky about things.  We are more than half-way there and it's all so real!  According to the baby website, the little parasite is  not so little anymore and weighs as much as a rutabaga...whatever that means.  I've never seen a rutabaga that looks the same as the next.  The wife went to see her doc the other day, and the baby is measuring big for where we are at so really it could weigh more than a rutabaga.  I think I just like saying rutabaga.  Come on, say it out loud with me.  Didn't that feel good.

Some other highlights...I turned 30 this week.  It's not so much a highlight as it as an occurrence.  I don't like birthdays so I really wasn't enthused about this one.  At least during my 30th year I will have a child.  There's something to check off on the list of things to do before I kick the bucket.  So in dealing with that I just have not been in the mood to write.  But that is selfish of me, and I'm not thinking about my loyal readers...you know who you three are!  All I can say is I will try to do better.

Still Cooking

Well it's that time of week again.  The wife is 24 weeks now...or approximately 6 months if you hate doing math.  The little parasite is about as long as an ear of corn now, and weighs just a pound.  Some highlights this week: baby's brain is growing, it's lungs are developing "branches", taste buds are continuing to develop, and it's skin is still see-through.  It has no use for taste buds at this point, but it's skin is still see-through.  It is so amazing how messed up the prioritization is when it comes to development.  I just cannot get over that.  I mean kudos to the human body for the final product, but the production is just all over the place.  Taste buds should be last in my opinion.  But if I were in charge of production the kids would probably come out totally under-cooked.  So I guess it's best to leave it in there at 98.6°F for 16 more weeks.

A Little Sixteen and A Whole Lot of Pregnant

We are watching "Sixteen and Pregnant" right now (my hate-on for that could be touched on in another post) and the whiny little thing wanted to be induced because she was too uncomfortable.  Maybe she should've stuck to the uncomfortable of a condom if she didn't want this uncomfortable feeling.  I'm sorry!  I just not a fan of this show.  Anywho!  On this lovely episode they decided to give in to the girl and induce her.  A few minutes later...they really should time-stamp these shows...they told her she isn't progressing quickly enough and now she will have to have a c-section.  She was uncomfortable....and now she has to have a c-section!

Then most importantly, I became uncomfortable because the c-section was gross.  I know its an everyday surgery, but they leave the baby hanging half in and half out while they get the crap out of its mouth or nose.  That and it's an odd, alien-shade of grey.  I would take bloody and gooey over grey, but that's just me.

I try to sympathize with the girls on this show.  After all, they are just 16 and pregnant...except that most of them aren't!  The majority of the preggos are finishing, or finished, high school.  There's no way they're 16.  I can't respect a show that lies to me.  Well I actually can since I watch a lot of fiction, but not when it's a documentary!  That's where the foot gets put down.

Rock a Bye Mango

Well the little peanut is 23 weeks today.  It's still as long as a spaghetti squash, but now it weighs as much as a large mango.  I could not make this stuff up, even if I tried.  Apparently the baby is now reactive to the sounds outside the stomach.  All this pressure to talk to it!  I'm sure it already gets enough of my voice.  I do talk a lot at home and I'm fairly loud.  So I really don't see the need for excessive talking.  But, if the baby now reacts to sounds more, then I think my music sharing will pay off.  This kid is going to have the best taste in music...in my mind anyway.

We built the crib yesterday.  Actually that's a lie.  We built the crib Monday AND Tuesday.  The instructions included with the crib contained three duplicates of the steps to complete 3/4 of the crib, but not the rest.  I gave up before that though because it was so damn frustrating.  There were like 50 pieces of hardware to sort and figure out.  And honestly, we did screw part of the crib on backwards.  It was quickly fixed, though, and I soon gave up for the evening.  I guessed at how to put the rest of the crib together and I'm hoping its solid.  Key word is hoping.  I could test it out with a spaghetti squash or a large mango.