Sooooo, "they" are sick now.  They have a cold to be exact.  It doesn't surprise me since the wife has been sleeping with the fan on to calm the hot flashes.  Yeah it may be winter outside, but I'm going with the fan as the culprit.  Goose bumps are just not in anyone's best interest in winter.  Especially when you're cooking a baby inside you.

Did you know that pregnant women cannot take anything when they have a cold?  Nothing!  And do you know how grumpy a pregnant woman is when she cannot take anything for it?  Very.  When I say she can't take anything, I mean she cannot take ANYTHING.  Not even throat lozenge.  So my wife is upset that she can't have her Ricola Lemon Mint cough drop.  The pharmacist told her no.  Which makes total sense since I'm almost positive Ricola's secret blend of 13 herbs is really just 50% Lysol lemon spray.  Seriously, have you ever smelled someone's breath who has just eaten one?  Smells like Lysol.  I bet that if you haven't already done it, you're thinking of smelling someone's Lemon Mint Ricola breath.  Just try to make sure it's someone you know.  That would make for one awkward explanation that you are checking to see if it smells like Lysol.

E=mc² To The Millionth Power!

So I was perusing our go-to baby website today and found this picture of what a 9 weeks cooking baby is supposed to look similar to.   Look at the size of its head!

I couldn't help but be reminded of this mutant on Futurama:

Looks eerily similar doesn't it?  Aside from the hair and teeth that is.  Wow wouldn't that be mind-blowingly scary to see hair and teeth on a 9 week old fetus when you go to research what it looks like.  I don't know about you, but I would be afraid of what was to come.  Oh and just in case you were wondering...

Oh! And a Side of Garlic Bread

So the baby is 9 and 1/2 weeks cooking right now and hopefully forming quite nicely on schedule.  Last week baby was the size of a kidney bean.  This week, a grape.  With the baby forming at this rate I'm curious as to what size the baby is at 9 and 1/2 weeks.  A pecan?  A weird purple grape?  How much growth are we looking at in this half time show?

Well however big it is, all this food talk is making me hungry.  Maybe this is why pregnant women have all kinds of weird food cravings.  The pregnant woman wakes up wanting to have some "Honey Nut Cheerios" for breakfast.  Before heading down to grab some of those delicious nutty 'os she decides to check her email.  And what does she find there?  An email telling her that she is now 8 weeks along in her pregnancy and her unborn baby is the size of a kidney bean.  Next thing you know WHAM! she is craving some chilli.  Now those "Honey Nut Cheerios" are still in the pantry and the woman's partner has to deal with the after-gas of this whole situation.  It's a cruel, cruel world out there and someone in the food industry is playing head-games with poor, pregnant women.  And me too, I guess, since now I'm wondering if we have any ground beef in the house.  Hmmm.

My Wallet Aches Already

Well 9 weeks down and only about 30 to go.  I take back what I said yesterday, I am no longer impatient for the baby to arrive.  There is WAY too much to be done.

Went to the first doctor`s visit today.  Seemed like a pointless visit to me.  Nothing eventful like the first one when you get to hear the baby`s heart (Feb. 15!!!!).  The doctor we went to see wasn't even my wife`s regular doctor.  The regular one is on mat leave until April.  Side note: do they delivery their own babies??  Anyway... So right now we are just working with her stunt double.  The thing is I'm not sure if the stunt double knows she is the stunt double.  She may think she is seeing this baby through to the end.  Awkward.  Oh well, all's fair in baby cooking.  I did manage to get in a question though; however it had nothing to do with conjoined twins.  I'm sorry!  I fought with myself the whole time about whether to ask it.  Instead, after my wife had just expressed interest in wanting to try vaginal birth since she had a c-section almost 12 years ago, I asked the doc if birth-weight is determined by the parents birth-weight.  I asked because my wife was a huge baby and the donor was a huge baby.  Just looking out for the wife.

Before the visit, while waiting in the lobby, we noticed some appropriately placed catalogues for Sears' baby collection.  Looking at that catalogue made me realize I am in the wrong business.  I need to start making furniture for little humans and charge a fortune for it.  AND I need to make a ton of it too.  How can such tiny little human beings need so much stuff??  Beds, dressers, change tables, gates, bassinets, strollers, baths, playpens, rocking chairs, mobiles, etc.  What did our ancestors do without all that stuff?  Is that why infant mortality rates were so high?  Must have been due to no safety latch on the outhouses.  Can you imagine potty training on a gaping hole???  We have come such a long way.

Should I Be Saying This Out Loud?

We have reached 9 weeks!  Yeah that just did not sound as impressive as I thought it would.  This baby is taking a long time to cook.  Even my mother-in-law thinks so.  She asked how far along my wife is now and when we said 9 weeks she told us she was hoping it was like 12 weeks already.  I must say I agree...even if I'm not prepared for this baby in any way.

Tomorrow is the first doctor's appointment and so many questions are running through my mind to ask.  Mostly they have to do with odds of conjoined twins and the like, so I'm just preparing for this appointment by pushing those questions back into the "stuff you shouldn't say out loud" file.  Surprisingly that file has a lot of stuff in it considering I have a tendency to say random thoughts out loud.  Don't get me wrong, I do have a filter.  That filter just seems to hide when I really need it the most.  So I should probably leave the questions up to my wife to ask.  Better to be safe than sorry.

My Wife's Boobs Have Gotten Bigger

That's all I'm going to say about that unless I want to be sleeping on the couch for the next little while.

Now on to less TMI quality posting.  I have mentioned before that my wife is going through some hot-flashes while sleeping, because apparently the majority of baby cooking goes on at night.  So our queen-size bed, which I once thought was a little too small for us to comfortably sleep in, now seems to have a ton of extra space.  I'm not naturally a cuddler.  I will do it for a short amount of time until I'm ready for the sandman to take me, but once I decide I want to go to sleep I do not want to be smothered.  There is an episode of Friends where Chandler complains to Ross about having to cuddle Janice at night.  Ross teaches Chandler a method where he should hug Janice in close, roll towards her side, and then roll away while slowly yanking his arm out.  Long episode short, Chandler sends Janice flying.  I have wanted to do this on more than one occasion. Not send my wife flying!  Just roll her away.  Unfortunately, my wife is THE lightest sleeper, and this would never work.  Now that she is having hot-flashes she is up all hours of the night.  Usually this gets blamed on our dog, or the snow plows, or whatever else happens to make a slight noise.  And I am the bad guy because I sleep like the dead.  Oh and if you're wondering if you should tell a pregnant woman that this is just preparation for when the baby is born DON'T.  For some reason they don't like that.  Who knew?

So now we are left with around two feet between us at night, and honestly it feels a bit weird...but in a good way.  The wife says that it proves a baby will be able to fit in-between us, but that concerns me.  I sleep so sound that I don't know what goes on during that time.  I sleep on my stomach, but there are times when I wake up on my back.  I'm am almost positive this is not a graceful transition so I can only imagine how much fun it's going to be if the wife decides to lay the baby between us.  And I can't see her enjoying that since she can't even stand the dog laying on the bed.  Sure she claims its the dog hair she hates, but I'm pretty sure it's the lack of freedom to move around.  Whatever the reason, baby in the bed = no good can possible come from it.  Unless we get a king-size bed.  Hmmmm......

Hilarious as #$*%

Last night I watched the ever hilarious "Modern Family" and one plot point brought up a question for me: will I be able to control my laughter the first time my child swears?  The little girl on the show dropped a few f-bombs and one of her fathers could not control his laughter.  This only encouraged the little girl to continue with her behaviour.  This situation scares me.  I feel that if someone says something funny then the appropriate thing to do is to laugh.  To me a child swearing is so innocent and out of character that it is hilarious.  You just do not see it coming.

My god-son was three when in an extremely tired state he swore at his parents in the middle of the night.  Apparently he used it in the right context and everything.  My instincts would tell me to laugh in this situation, but as a parent I would be expected to correct this behaviour.  I don't know how well that will work.  I have heard that when you're in the situation it's different, but I am highly sceptical.  I occasionally call a friend of mine "gramma" as a joke, and one day her seven year old daughter called her that while I was visiting.  It was said at just the right (wrong?) time and I could not help myself from laughing out loud.  My friend was not happy...with either of us, and I have a feeling this will also be my wife's reaction when the time comes.  I think she already knows it too.

Honestly it will probably be Karma biting me back.  I am a fairly sarcastic person, so this will be Karma's way of dealing me what I have dished out for so many years.  All the good deeds in the world can not erase the sarcasm and jokes that I've inflicted upon the world.  And children are Karma's best vessel.

Status Upgrade

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just reached week 8.  Which means, according to the wonderful people at  babycenter.ca, that the little thing changing my wife from the inside out has now been upgraded from an embryo to a fetus.  Yaaayyyy!

Actually the most exciting part for me is that it no longer has a tail.  So many magical things are happening, like organ development and movement, but I choose to focus on a tail.  Seriously though, have you seen pictures of people born with tails?  Not pretty at all.  I was going to add a picture, but it honestly creeps me right out to look at them.  Like if you shaved a cats tail, it just doesn't look quite right.  Go ahead and Google it for yourself.  I suggest typing "people born with tails" and clicking on images.  Try it.  I will wait. Are you back?  Did you picture it wagging?  Now you will never get that image out of your head.  You're welcome.

Do these things come with a manual?

I feel like I need a manual.  Like a baby troubleshooting manual.  I actually Googled "babies for dummies" today and there in the results was "Your Babies First Year For Dummies".  Not sure if this is the format that I am looking for but I seriously considered purchasing it. That is until I read that review from "Sabrina's Mom" stating that the section on sleep training was "inhumane".  I don't know what sleep training is, but I sure don't want to support a book that spouts methods that are similar in nature to starving a dog.  Further confusion ensued when I looked up and saw that "Sabrina's Mom" had given the book 3 stars out of 5.  I could not believe it!  What did these writers have to put in that book that is worse than inhumane, in order to receive 1 or 2 our of 5 stars!  I'm tempted to write "Sabrina's Mom" and find out her grading criteria.  But I'm unsure if I even want to get involved in this confusing mess of a book.

So now what am I supposed to do? Wing it?  That's just not me.  I like to read up on things, and figure them out with research.  I did purchase a book while we were trying to get pregnant; however, I seem to have misplaced it, and can't even recall what it was called.  Soon after I found out that my wife was pregnant I had a little panic attack about not knowing where the book was.  I still haven't found it, but a friend who already has a child tells me that I won't need it.  She obviously has more faith in my abilities than I do.  Babies just seem so fragile and they are tiny human beings that I would be responsible for.  This doesn't seem to me like the type of situation where I should be winging it.

All I can say is thank goodness for my wife.

Resistance is Futile

When my wife first got pregnant I began to refer to our future bundle of joy as a parasite.  And by definition:

par·a·site   /ˈparəˌsīt/

Noun:

An organism that lives in or on another organism (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at the host's expense.

that is exactly what the baby is at the moment.  So my loving nickname for the baby is "the parasite".  


My wife has decided to take this to the next, maybe third, level by referring to herself as "we".  For example: "we are hungry", "we are tired" or "we miss you".  Don't get me wrong, it is cute, but I am just hit with images of the Borg from Star Trek, and it is slightly creeping me out.  Back story for those unfamiliar with the works of Gene Roddenberry - The Borg were an android/humanoid race whose goal in life was assimilation.  They remind me of my wife because they would refer to themselves as "we".  References to themselves were references to all Borg, like references to my wife appear to be references to the both of them.  Maybe I should just thank my lucky stars that this is where the similarities end, and that she isn't trying to assimilate me in my sleep.  I sleep like the dead so she may very well have already.

What? This? It's for astigmatism.

Happy weekend! And "we" will be back Monday.

Cute in a Weird Way

According to the "experts" on the internet, this is what our baby looks like right now.

Isn't this just the cutest? 

I know that it's only a cartoonish picture of the baby, but it is kinda cute.  In a weird way of course.  Once again, as an outsider, I am questioning my feelings towards this little thing.  I have some attachment to it, but probably not the amount that I would have if I was the one carrying the baby.  And to be quite honest this little cartoon picture is not really helping me become attached.  Although it's better than the previous picture I had in my head of a blueberry with paddles for arms and legs.  I'm not entirely sure if the paddles they are describing are ping pong paddles or more like canoe paddles, but the following image is the one that I had in my head.

(Artist's rendering)

I'm almost positive that this is not the image they were planning on people having.  And now that I look at the first image I think I should have went with ping pong paddles.  Oh well, the mind creates what it wants to.  Despite this messed-up visual of our unborn baby, it is slowly growing on me.  My wife is only seven weeks along, after all, so there is plenty of time for me to become attached.

Clichés

As a woman whose partner is going through pregnancy changes, it is a very interesting view from the outside.  My wife is not feeling any morning sickness yet.  Although I'm told by discussing it, as well as by my friends stating how late their sickness began, that I am jinxing her.  Honestly, I think I will just be jinxing myself when the time comes for me to be pregnant.  Nonetheless, I find it fascinating that the one symptom I have always believed to be a part of every pregnancy is missing.  My wife does have hot flashes, though, which I had no clue was even an option.  Although this does seem odd to me it does also make a lot of sense.  Cooking up a baby is bound to create a little excess heat now and again.

One side effect of this mad scientist recipe we call procreation seems to be food cravings.  And it is so very cliché that my wife is craving pickles...but humorous for me.  There is a McDonald's commercial airing now where a man is sent out at night, repeating "pickles" over and over so as not to forget.  Long commercial short, he ends up at McDonald's eating a Big Mac and goes home sans pickles.  So yesterday for supper we head to McDonald's, and this is how the order went:
McDonald's girl: Welcome to McCafé. (Don't get me started on the name.) Can I take your order?
My wife: Hi, I would like to order a Big Mac meal.
McDonald's girl: Sure.
My wife: And can I get like double extra pickles on that?
McDonald's girl: Ok....
My wife: Like whatever you put for extra pickles, I want more than that.
McDonald's girl: Ok. [insert giggle]
Long story short, those "double extra" pickles ended up being five on the burger and one on the top of the bun for some weird reason.  I just found it a funny coincidence that this life episode happened to coincide a bit with the commercial.

Another craving that creeped up on me was popcorn.  Our room smells like a theatre.  No word of a lie.  You know how when you enter a theatre and smell that popcorn and think to yourself "I could never get sick of that smell"?  Well it turns out I can.  Seven weeks in and who knows what other cravings to come.  The one bonus I'm hoping for is that I will lose weight throughout this pregnancy if she begins to eat more of my food.  One can only hope.

First. Post. Ever.

Welcome to my journey through motherhood!  My wife is currently 7 weeks pregnant with our first child and as the “other” mommy I felt like sharing our story.  I don’t share things really, so this is all kinds of firsts for me.

Once upon a time…ok maybe not.  Well, as two women do not quite have the equipment to create life, our journey began by determining how we would acquire the necessary goods.  Are you picking up what I’m putting down?  Just picture whatever you like happening because this part of the situation is more messy than I would like to discuss.  Our ultimate goal is for us each to have a child with both children having the same father, and we were lucky enough to have two friends offer their services.  Upon choosing one, we found a lawyer to draw up donor contracts and to ultimately facilitate the adoption process.  With the legal stuff out of the way we moved on to the fun part.  I’m kidding.

Unlike procreation between heterosexual couples, homosexual procreation is not as enjoyable.  I wish it was.  Instead, it was awkward and uncomfortable.  My naïve dreams of our child being “created from our love” were quickly dashed.  Thank goodness it only took five months.  Do not get me wrong, those five months did not go by quickly.  BUT we got lucky and our child was conceived. 

I came home on December 20^th, 2011 and my wife had a surprise for me.  She told me to look at the Christmas tree for it.  I searched the tree and found a decoration of a baby in a peanut costume.  We refer to babies as peanuts.  I did not think anything of it, as my wife tends to jump the gun and buy things before necessary, but she told me to look again.  Behind the decoration was a pregnancy test with a positive reading.  YAY!  I did, however, insist that we get a positive from a doctor’s test.  That one was positive too!  Now I could get excited.  And cry.  And be hit with a wave of ohmygod.

We told both of our parents since then, as well as our closest friends, and everyone has taken it well.  I am still in a state of disbelief and am amazed at how much I don’t actually know about pregnancy and babies.  I am learning as I go though and it is amazing!  For example today my wife is 7 weeks pregnant and our baby is the size of a blueberry.  I’m not sure how big that is as the size of a blueberry can vary; however, according to babycenter.com the baby is also beginning to grow little hands and feet that look like paddles.  Crazy.

Anywho, welcome again!  And please keep all arms and legs inside the tram at all times during this tour.