Grab Your Rabbits Foot and Troll Doll

Superstitions.  Everyone has them.  Whether it's avoiding black cats or saying "bless you" after someone sneezes, superstitions are extremely common in everyday society.  And when it comes to being pregnant there is no exception.

The most common superstition has to do with the first trimester.  Generally women see it as bad luck to announce their pregnancies during the first trimester, and especially when they announce it to more than just immediate family.  Well, as I've said in a previous post, the wife has announced it to almost everyone she knows.    I, on the other hand, announced it to a select few...maybe five people that aren't my family.  I think my reasons were based on superstition.  I didn't want to keep it to myself for 3 months, and then if something happened I would be alone in my grief.  So I told those who mattered and would be supports.  My wife is just the type of person who would die with a secret, not because she goes to her grave with the secret, but because it would kill her to keep a secret inside.  I'm just always afraid of jinxing myself, so I have waited.

One of our close friends is Jewish-through-marriage, and two big superstitions for her are calling the baby by its name before it's born and buying baby things before the baby is born.  Regarding the first one, well that's just creepy.  I mentioned this to a friend and she was like "what to you do, say hey Betty while looking at the stomach?"  See.  Creepy.  I call it baby, peanut, or parasite.  Loving and endearing terms, but never its name. As for buying things, my wife found a crib that she loved after looking at about a thousand cribs.  (I actually contemplated switching careers to making baby furniture since that's where the money seems to be.)  The crib was on sale and included a mattress so she wanted to jump on it.  My in-laws told us they would help with the crib purchase so the wife let them know.  The crib was purchased but my mother-in-law was a little hesitant with the purchase being so soon.  The way I see it though, is that we are going to have a baby, one way or another, so purchasing it now makes no difference.  I don't want to jinx ourselves though, so it's still sitting in the box.

Same as Me, Just Different

We still have six months to go before my wife is ready to pop, but I am finding myself concerned with the labour process.  I am not really a blood or mucous person.  My wife and I have already made a deal: I will change poopy diapers if she deals with any bleeding, vomiting or snot.  I know that my end of things will be a little busier, but you know what? I am totally fine with that.  That is how much I do not like those three things.   So when it comes to labour and delivery (they seem one and the same to me, but apparently they aren't) I am becoming a little squeamish about the bloody mess that is inevitable.  Did you know they use strawberry jam on tv shows to simulate the mess of birthing?  I heard that once.  I think it was around the time that the show ER was on.  But as much as I try to say to myself that it will be similar to strawberry jam, it totally doesn't work.

So, I have come up with a solution...a stunt double!  It's perfect!  My wife will have support, and I won't have to see the mess.  Actually the topic came up when I asked the wife what should happen if I am at work and out on an emergency call when she goes into labour.  Her response, of course, was that I will get my butt down to the hospital A.S.A.P. and that no excuse is good enough for not getting there fast enough.  But things happen, so it would be awesome to have a stunt double who could swoop in.  I would probably pick my best friend because she is the closest thing to me, without actually being me.  And I'm sure she would be a lot nicer since she wouldn't have had to deal with the ups and downs of my wife's pregnancy hormones.  But this is not a democracy!  This is a dictatorship, whereby the wife and her parasite over-rule any decision.  I may as well get used to it since there's six months left.

Honey, Why Are The Car Keys In The Fridge?

Can you guess what topic I'm hung up on at the moment?  Pregnancy brain.  I feel that this phenomenon is not stressed enough to women, or anyone really.  I'm ready to start a non-profit agency with public service announcements on television.  It will be huge!  Actually the PSA sounds like it would be fun to make.  If I don't get around to it first, I think the good people at Saturday Night Live should get on that. I'm kinda surprised they don't have one already.

My wife is reading this book that blames pregnancy brain, or "maternal amnesia", on a woman be so "preoccupied with the excitement of pregnancy during this period that other things seem less important and fail to register."  Yeah, I'm gonna go with no.  I have been around some pregnant women who actually try to remember things and focus, but they just can't remember things.

Some doctors suggest that a pregnant woman get as much sleep as possible to combat the forgetfulness.  This means I'm screwed.  The wife still isn't getting much sleep or is constantly having sleep interruptions.  So without a fully rested brain to assist her, I fear she is a prime candidate for pregnancy brain.  And this just will not do.  You see, I have a horrible memory.  Actually that's not true.  I have a horrible memory for things that I need to remember.  I have an excellent memory for useless pop culture trivia.  I was watching Jeopardy one day and the final category was "Famous Middle Names".  I wagered all my "money" and guessed Amadeus before the question appeared.  I got it right.  But really, that knowledge isn't going to help me find my watch before I go to work.  My wife is my memory for the important stuff.  And when you combine pregnancy brain with overstuffed with trivia brain...well you don't get a great memory, that's for sure.

Cocktail Anyone?

WOW!  I have not written a post in quite a while.  I started a new-ish position at my job and have been exhausted.  I guess I am just getting prepared for when the little peanut comes.  Although if my job still makes me tired at that point, then am I going to be okay because of the practice run? or will I just be no use to anybody?

Anywho, we have reached week 13 folks!!  And you know what time it is!  Food size comparison time!!!! Yaaayyyyy!  Now I'm going to take a brief pause to allow you to guess what food the parasite is the same size as........(insert Jeopardy theme song).......a medium-sized shrimp!  Yeah, you didn't guess that!  No you didn't. No you did not.  Ha!  I win.  So the parasite looks like a shrimp.

Another highlight this week: the baby just got some fingerprints.  This past 13 weeks it coulda been pulling off some B&Es without a trace of evidence.  Okay maybe a little.  It just blows my mind that fingerprints come so soon.  Not even sure what we need fingerprints for, but I'm almost positive it's not as important as the things that are last to develop.  Odd.  Okay I just looked it up and it turns out fingerprints are pretty darn important to our sense of touch on our hands.  Sooooo yeah.  You're welcome for that.

Don't Hug A Leopard

It appears that I have been replaced.  I knew this day was coming.  I was warned about it years ago.  I just didn't think that it would happen so early on in the pregnancy.  My wife bought a body pillow.  It's not just any body pillow either.  It's a leopard print, velvety-soft body pillow.  I can't compete with that!  Nobody can!  I am a human being, with warm human being skin.  And for a woman who is prone to hot flashes, like my wife is, my warm skin is torture.  I can't help it though.  I was born this way and I'm quite attached to my warm skin.

So now I am left on my own, and my wife has a soft body pillow to cuddle.  I'm actually thinking of buying a plain white body-pillow-size pillow case and using an iron-on transfer to put my face on the pillow case.  That way I don't have to feel jealous at all because the wife will be hugging a surrogate me.  Ok, I admit it, there will be a little jealousy still.  But not nearly as much as there would be with her hugging a leopard body pillow.  Odd hey?  Oh well.  Here's what the wife's body pillow is going to look like.  And by all means, use my idea. Just don't tell my wife that you're hugging me every night.

Mom.....I Am Your Baaaabyyy

So today we attempted to hear the baby's heart beat.  No dice.  We knew we were pushing it a little, considering the parasite has only been cooking for 12 weeks.  But the stunt double is going on holidays and wanted to try before she left. And that little peanut would not let us hear.  All we got to hear was something that sounded like Darth Vader was hanging out in the wife's uterus.  I'm not sure what exactly he was trying to say due to Darth's asthma, but I'm pretty sure it was something like "Hey mom! You're pretty darn cool!"...or something to that effect.  You never know with these things.

So no heartbeat this time.  But there is no need to worry because there hasn't been any issues and it is still fairly early.  We booked another attempt for 4 weeks from now, and I'm positive we will hear it then.  And then next we will have the ultrasound, which is super exciting.  We will have our first glimpse of the little parasite.  Baby's first picture...but also the decision to find out the gender. EEK!  I'm just not ready for that kind of decision yet.

Put The Lime In The Coconut

Well we are almost at 12 weeks and what a milestone it is!  3 months and also the end of the first trimester.

That means we can tell people.  Hahahaha!  This means that I can tell people.  I would be hard-pressed to find someone that my wife hasn't told.  She claims that she hasn't told many people but I'm pretty sure that's a big fib.  It's like the whole math equation for how many people you've slept with.  For girls you take (number she says) X 7 = actual number of sexual partners.  And guys you divide by 7.  Or something to that effect.  So for my wife you take the number of people she says she told and times that by 20.  Give or take.  It's not her fault really, it's just that she can not hold in a surprise.

So now I will be telling more people.  And what is exciting is that our baby is the size of a Lime!  Finally a fruit that I don't have to google in order to explain to others.  (I still have no clue as to what a fig is!)  Yay!  So this long weekend while you're doing your tequila shots, think of that little parasite growing in my wife's tummy.

Who The Heck Are You?

A friend asked my wife if we know what we want our baby to call us.  Like does one want to be "Mom" while the other will be "Mommy"?  Oddly enough, this is the first time we've really been asked that kind of question.  We have talked with others about what the grandmothers will be called.  The vote went to "Mee-maw" for my mom, and Sarah's mom decided on "Gran" as she is an avid Coronation Street viewer.  We just haven't talked to anyone about what we will be called.  Don't get me wrong, we have definitely talked about this to each other.  I'm sure the child will figure out what it wants to call each of us.  But really, if it wants us that badly, once it can talk it will figure out a way to get our attention.  Hollering "hey you!" is bound to get someone's attention.

I know what you're thinking...."Hey lady! The name of your blog is The Other Mommy".  Well folks, I thought of "The Other Mother" but that made me think of "brother from another mother".  I also thought of "The Other Mom" but that made me think of a step-mom.  So I guess I jumped the gun, and maybe I have inadvertently chosen "mommy" for myself.  At this point I really can't say.  All I am is a muffled, booming voice that speaks into the bellybutton microphone from time to time.  I guess we will just have to wait and see when the little peanut starts to gab.

Ballet Dancing Fig Baby

Well, we are at 11 weeks people!  That means we are just in sight of the start of the second trimester.  Eek!  Ok, I'm good ...for now.  Baby is the size of a fig.  Go look it up, I will wait.  Believe me, I had to go Google that too, and it was so not what I was expecting.  Where does one purchase a fig?  And how does one eat it?  Do you only eat the insides?

Ok, enough about figs and on to the good stuff.  The baby is almost fully formed and the bones are starting to harden.  There are even tooth buds...TOOTH BUDS!  I would think teeth would be last on the list of things to happen.  Now all I can think about are those children who are born with teeth or get them soon after birth.  That's a huge "hells no" to breastfeeding, I would say.

Oh! And the baby is kicking and stretching in "ballet-like" movements.  Look at that.  Our child is a ballerina...or ballerino?  For some reason I'm thinking there is a different words for a male ballet dancer.  I really don't know.  Won't get to feel the baby move for a couple months I guess, but we get to hear the heart soon!

Oh and before I forget:

At first glance you thought it was real hey?

Yeah Yeah, As Long As It's Healthy

The question, the question, what is the biggest question?  How far along? Maybe.  Any morning sickness? Yes, that too.  But the one question is boy or girl?  I don't know if we are going to "peek" at the little parasite and see if we have to nail down all of the toilet seats in the house.  I have always been pretty adamant that I would never want to know.  Some romanticized vision of being surprised while taking a peek as the baby comes out, then running through the halls screaming "IT'S A ?????????????????!!!!!!!!"  I'd do it too.  Then I'd pass out cigars or gum.  I know! Trident layers gum!  Everyone on the commercials wants to be paid in Trident layers gum.

It's a girl!!

It's a boy!!

There was also some talk of not wanting to know because it's like peeking in the presents before Christmas morning.  And I am all for that argument because I'm a firm believer in keeping secrets. BUT...on the other hand I do not like surprises.  I like to be prepared.  I like to see my options and choose accordingly.  Peeking early would give us a chance to prepare, not only physically, but emotionally as well.  Girls and boys are very different so I think some preparation emotionally would be beneficial.  Oh who knows?

Today's Cooking Lesson: Fruit Salad

So this week my wife is 10 weeks pregnant and once again the size comparison is related to fruit. This week… The baby is the size of the kumquat. I have no idea what a kumquat is, but I'm told that it is like a small orange that you can eat the peels of.  My wife informs me that I have eaten a kumquat before; however, it still sounds gross. When I eaten orange I have to make sure all of the leftover white stuff is completely gone before I will even begin to eat it. So I find it hard to believe that I would dive in and eat the peels and all of a kumquat.  Okay just so you know what we're talking about in terms of size, the following picture shows kumquats in relation to other fruit.  

It just so happens that my wife's uterus is now the size of a grapefruit so you can see how tiny the baby is in comparison.  Once again I am left hungry after these weekly size reports. Although I am happy to report that my dieting efforts have paid off and I have lost 6.2 pounds, while my wife has gained 5 pounds. I know she's cooking the baby but still feels good that she is gaining while I am losing for a change. Maybe I'm losing weight because the baby is never compared to unhealthy food items. But I am probably jinxing myself and will get a notification that the baby is as big as a chocolate macadamian nut cookie from subway. Yummy!

Sign On The Dotted Line Please....With Blood

For some stupid reason I told my wife that she shouldn't need to buy maternity clothes since she can just wear my baggy shirts and bigger pants.  I think I was joking at the time, but I'm not really one hundred percent positive.  Needless to say, I am regretting that decision.  A pair of my exercise pants now have paint on the butt because she wore them for painting.  And I seem to have lost all of my sweat pants.  I think if this is going to continue I should lay down some ground rules.  Like she can wear the clothes, but only certain things in certain instances.  Or I could go through the clothes and give her the shirts I don't really care that much for.  I think going so far as to draw up a contract would be taking it a little too far, but I'm sure a verbal agreement would be sufficient.  I don't know how much I trust her to honour a verbal agreement.  I don't even let my friends borrow my movies with a verbal agreement.  They must initial next to the name of the movie and sign at the bottom.  The punishment for not returning them is a touch severe: first born child or I get to break a limb.  I can't exactly put those kinds of stipulations in a contract for my wife though.  But I must come up with something.  Stay tuned.

Do They Sell Baby Paper Bags?

I am an honest person, and if you have been reading this blog then you know that I sometimes say inappropriate things.  I mean well, mind you, but they are inappropriate nonetheless.  So it shouldn't come as much surprise when I say that I don't care if the baby is a boy or a girl, or even if it has ten fingers and ten toes.  I do, however, care if it's ugly.  Now you're probably saying "how can a baby be ugly?!"  It's possible, believe me.  It's just that nobody talks about it.  Nobody wants to be that person who tells the new parent that their child is ugly.  So everyone knows, they just won't talk about it.  And if they do, they just aren't saying it to the parents or immediate family who may blab to the parents.
Here are some examples:

This baby wants its precious.

Do I even need to comment?

This hat doesn't help either.

This brings to mind hairy babies and babies with unibrows.  Is it cruel to pluck a baby's unibrow?  Their pictures are going to be show to them their whole life, and the last thing they want to see is a unibrow on their infant self.  I'm not condoning electrolosis or anything like that.  Just a little wax or tweezers to separate those fighting caterpillars.  I don't even know what a solution would be for a hairy baby.  Shave and a haircut?  Oh and baby unibrows do exist.

See. I told you.