Same as Me, Just Different

We still have six months to go before my wife is ready to pop, but I am finding myself concerned with the labour process.  I am not really a blood or mucous person.  My wife and I have already made a deal: I will change poopy diapers if she deals with any bleeding, vomiting or snot.  I know that my end of things will be a little busier, but you know what? I am totally fine with that.  That is how much I do not like those three things.   So when it comes to labour and delivery (they seem one and the same to me, but apparently they aren't) I am becoming a little squeamish about the bloody mess that is inevitable.  Did you know they use strawberry jam on tv shows to simulate the mess of birthing?  I heard that once.  I think it was around the time that the show ER was on.  But as much as I try to say to myself that it will be similar to strawberry jam, it totally doesn't work.

So, I have come up with a solution...a stunt double!  It's perfect!  My wife will have support, and I won't have to see the mess.  Actually the topic came up when I asked the wife what should happen if I am at work and out on an emergency call when she goes into labour.  Her response, of course, was that I will get my butt down to the hospital A.S.A.P. and that no excuse is good enough for not getting there fast enough.  But things happen, so it would be awesome to have a stunt double who could swoop in.  I would probably pick my best friend because she is the closest thing to me, without actually being me.  And I'm sure she would be a lot nicer since she wouldn't have had to deal with the ups and downs of my wife's pregnancy hormones.  But this is not a democracy!  This is a dictatorship, whereby the wife and her parasite over-rule any decision.  I may as well get used to it since there's six months left.