Sit-Down Maybe?

If I ever did stand-up comedy I think I might have the following bit in it.

I think that parents are given too many freedoms to raise their children, especially at the very beginning with...the name.  Parents do not think long and hard enough about their child's name or how it will affect them in the future.  There should be someone that works in the maternity ward whose sole job is to help parents with filling out their child's birth information.  So when those beaming parents go to write down "Apple", this person will be like "Really? Realllly? Do you honestly think that any good can come from that?  Don't you think the kids are going to have a little too much fun with that?  Don't you think that they are going to cringe every time they go to pick up something in their name and someone says 'hey that's a neat name! is it your real name'?  Do you really think they are going to want to be Aunt Apple or even Grandma Apple?  No, not even a little bit. Are you kidding me with the three middle names?  This is not a contest and even if it was you would not win.  The record is like 30 and we aren't giving you an extra sheet to complete this form.  And what's with the last name Swashbuckler???  Your last name is Smith and the father's last name is Jones.  All your children have different last names.  Stop it!"  I feel this person would be highly utilized, and I would like to apply for that position immediately.