Best Game Ever

I have started playing a new game with my unborn child.  I have completely given up on the idea of ever talking to the little peanut.  Too creepy.  And to be quite honest, does it really care what I have to say?  I know, I know, it's my voice that is the point.  But I really just don't have anything that's good enough to say out loud to myself, or the wife, so why would I force myself to say things just for the baby?  Exactly.

So my interactions with my baby are more physical than verbal.  The game consists of me blowing on my wife's stomach...you know, making the farting sounds...and then the parasite kicking/punching my wife and me.  We had a good round the other night.  That is, until the game came to a screeching halt when the little bugger kicked my wife's bladder, and she shouted "okay! game over!"  It was fun while it lasted.  The baby seemed to enjoy it anyway.  Unless it was really just pissed off and kicking to get me to stop.  Nahhhh.

One Fat Cuke

Oh my word we are at 26 weeks!  The little parasite is up to its usual shenanigans in its cave.  Every now and then the cave will suddenly push out and to the left side of my wife's belly button.  I was laying on my wife's stomach the other night and the little peanut kicked me in the head.  It's cute now, but if I let this kind of behavior continue what will my parenting style turn into?  Will I be a pushover?  Will our child walk all over me?  Man I hope not.  I may have to start cracking the whip now.

The little one is now weighing in at around a pound and two-thirds, and is as long as an English hothouse cucumber.  I have no idea what distinguishes an English hothouse cucumber from other cucumbers.  And is there a difference between English cucumbers and English hothouse cucumbers?  I have a feeling these aren't the questions I should be asking.  I looked up English hothouse cucumbers and there were many links for pregnancy descriptions.  Either everyone knows what an English hothouse cucumber is, or there are more people who read the baby site I go to than just myself.  I'm gonna go with the latter.

Some other highlights include better hearing, and our baby inhaling some amniotic fluid.  Apparently this is good for the little one, and helps its lungs to develop.  Sure, it's good for a baby to inhale liquid, but when I inhale the smallest amount of saliva I cough for days.  Damn old people lungs.

Oh come on! You were thinking it too!

Maybe Climbing Stairs With A Hippo On Back?

The other day my wife compared pregnancy to "climbing Mount Everest."  I have heard this before whilst reading about pregnant women's journeys.  Don't get me wrong, I do believe that the creation of a living human bean inside you is quite a feat.   I do, however, think that the previous statement might be stretching it a bit.  Not to mention a huge cliche.  I mean, during the one: you gain an average of 27 pounds, eat a lot of weird items, and create a peanut inside of you.  During the other: you climb 29,029 feet, attempt to pee without having it freeze to your bits, and encounter a "death zone" during the last part of the ascent.

I'm almost positive climbing Mount Everest is waaayyy harder.  When the wife starts asking me for oxygen tanks and some Sherpas to help her carry them, then I will have more sympathy for her using this statement.  And really all pregnant women should change their wording for that matter.  Instead they should adopt a new motto.  "Pregnancy: Like Climbing An Ant-Hill" or "Pregnancy: Like Climbing a Hill With a Toddler."  Don't worry people, I got this covered.  I will figure this thing out if it kills me.  Nah that's exaggerating a touch.  I will try to figure this out until my wife kills me.  Yeah that sounds more accurate.

Worst. Blog. Ever

I am a horrible blogger, and I would totally understand if you chose not to read this thing anymore.  I need to get on the ball with this thing.

First of all for the updates.  We are at 25 weeks this week, and I'm not gonna lie, I am a little panicky about things.  We are more than half-way there and it's all so real!  According to the baby website, the little parasite is  not so little anymore and weighs as much as a rutabaga...whatever that means.  I've never seen a rutabaga that looks the same as the next.  The wife went to see her doc the other day, and the baby is measuring big for where we are at so really it could weigh more than a rutabaga.  I think I just like saying rutabaga.  Come on, say it out loud with me.  Didn't that feel good.

Some other highlights...I turned 30 this week.  It's not so much a highlight as it as an occurrence.  I don't like birthdays so I really wasn't enthused about this one.  At least during my 30th year I will have a child.  There's something to check off on the list of things to do before I kick the bucket.  So in dealing with that I just have not been in the mood to write.  But that is selfish of me, and I'm not thinking about my loyal readers...you know who you three are!  All I can say is I will try to do better.

Still Cooking

Well it's that time of week again.  The wife is 24 weeks now...or approximately 6 months if you hate doing math.  The little parasite is about as long as an ear of corn now, and weighs just a pound.  Some highlights this week: baby's brain is growing, it's lungs are developing "branches", taste buds are continuing to develop, and it's skin is still see-through.  It has no use for taste buds at this point, but it's skin is still see-through.  It is so amazing how messed up the prioritization is when it comes to development.  I just cannot get over that.  I mean kudos to the human body for the final product, but the production is just all over the place.  Taste buds should be last in my opinion.  But if I were in charge of production the kids would probably come out totally under-cooked.  So I guess it's best to leave it in there at 98.6°F for 16 more weeks.

A Little Sixteen and A Whole Lot of Pregnant

We are watching "Sixteen and Pregnant" right now (my hate-on for that could be touched on in another post) and the whiny little thing wanted to be induced because she was too uncomfortable.  Maybe she should've stuck to the uncomfortable of a condom if she didn't want this uncomfortable feeling.  I'm sorry!  I just not a fan of this show.  Anywho!  On this lovely episode they decided to give in to the girl and induce her.  A few minutes later...they really should time-stamp these shows...they told her she isn't progressing quickly enough and now she will have to have a c-section.  She was uncomfortable....and now she has to have a c-section!

Then most importantly, I became uncomfortable because the c-section was gross.  I know its an everyday surgery, but they leave the baby hanging half in and half out while they get the crap out of its mouth or nose.  That and it's an odd, alien-shade of grey.  I would take bloody and gooey over grey, but that's just me.

I try to sympathize with the girls on this show.  After all, they are just 16 and pregnant...except that most of them aren't!  The majority of the preggos are finishing, or finished, high school.  There's no way they're 16.  I can't respect a show that lies to me.  Well I actually can since I watch a lot of fiction, but not when it's a documentary!  That's where the foot gets put down.

Rock a Bye Mango

Well the little peanut is 23 weeks today.  It's still as long as a spaghetti squash, but now it weighs as much as a large mango.  I could not make this stuff up, even if I tried.  Apparently the baby is now reactive to the sounds outside the stomach.  All this pressure to talk to it!  I'm sure it already gets enough of my voice.  I do talk a lot at home and I'm fairly loud.  So I really don't see the need for excessive talking.  But, if the baby now reacts to sounds more, then I think my music sharing will pay off.  This kid is going to have the best taste in music...in my mind anyway.

We built the crib yesterday.  Actually that's a lie.  We built the crib Monday AND Tuesday.  The instructions included with the crib contained three duplicates of the steps to complete 3/4 of the crib, but not the rest.  I gave up before that though because it was so damn frustrating.  There were like 50 pieces of hardware to sort and figure out.  And honestly, we did screw part of the crib on backwards.  It was quickly fixed, though, and I soon gave up for the evening.  I guessed at how to put the rest of the crib together and I'm hoping its solid.  Key word is hoping.  I could test it out with a spaghetti squash or a large mango.

Some Things Should Remain a Mystery

Before we went to the first ultrasound I wanted to look at videos on YouTube of the different ultrasounds.  I don't really trust the 3-D ultrasounds because I don't know that much about them, but I wanted to see what they looked like compared to the traditional 2-D type.  The following is a video I found comparing 2-D, 3-D, and even 4-D ultrasounds.



I think the 3-D images are gross.  Not "we are looking through layers of goo and amniotic fluid" gross, but more "these babies were buried by lava at Pompeii" gross.  At least the 4-D ones look like actual, live babies.  Babies in goo, but still babies.  I think for now I will just stick with the original 2-D imaging.  I can wait until the baby is born to see its face.

**Painting Update** For the most part the taping left clean lines.  There were a few areas that will need touch-ups, but I am pleasantly surprised with how well the paint job turned out.  So, if you're keeping track, there are now about 8 coats of paint where the stripes are...oy.

Squish Squash

This past week has been devoted to painting the nursery.  I hate painting.  Walls mostly.  There is just too much preparation involved, and when it doesn't go according to plan then it is just plain annoying.  Plus I get paint all over myself.  We decided to try this primer and paint in one with the thinking being that it would be less work.  Wrong, oh so wrong.  We decided that we didn't want to paint the room in traditional boy or girl colors before we knew what we were having.  So we chose green with brown strips.  This was apparently our first mistake, since green doesn't cover easily.  The paint was way too thin to have primer in it.  So, four to five coats later and it finally looks half-way decent.  

Then came the stripes.  Measuring, leveling, and taping was a ridiculous.  Long story short, I messed up with measurements and it does not look like we planned.  It doesn't look bad though, so that's all that matters.  So currently we have the second coat drying (once again, paint/primer mix), and I'm pretty sure it's only going to take one more coat.  But I am scared to remove the tape.  All this week we have been seeing commercials for painters tape...more specifically the brand that we purchased...and how it does lines so well.  I have my doubts, but I guess we will find out after coat number three tonight.

Oh, and since I forgot to post earlier on the size of the little parasite, I wanted to mention that it's as long as a spaghetti squash.  It's pretty long for 22 weeks.  In my mind anyway.  I feel it should be a lot smaller.  I really didn't know what size that was so I Googled it.  Here is a picture for your reference:

Baby's First Concert

I still can't talk to my child.  I just can't get the thought of how Ross from "Friends" looked out of my head.  It might be easier if I read it a story, but that still feels weird to me too.  So I have come up with a compromise.  We are listening to music together.  I put one ear bud in my ear, and I put the other one in the microphone (bellybutton) so that we can listen at the same time without disturbing the wife.  I haven't found one that the little peanut is particularly ecstatic about yet, but I am determined to find something that makes it dance.  I do know that the parasite is capable of dancing because the wife was woken up the other day by the baby "river dancing" in its cave.  I will just have to try a variety of music to find what it likes best.

There's that whole theory that playing classical music for unborn babies can make it smarter when it's older, but my perusing of the internet has resulted in not enough studies done in this area.  I guess we will have to see once this little thing gets older.  In the meantime I will conduct my own experiments with a variety of music.  Then I can see what gets it moving and what doesn't.  This could actually be more fun then pouring my heart out to an unsuspecting baby.  And more interesting for it too.

Turns Out It's A Baby In There

It's a......baby! I know, I was just as shocked as you. I half expected a monkey or a piece of fruit in there.  I was wrong.  So I got to see our baby for the first time and it was amazing.  Who knew such a weird picture of a baby would make someone so happy?  I sure didn't.  Baby is healthy and is a few days bigger than expected.  You're probably thinking oh that isn't much.  It is, though, when you think about the fact that the wife was close to 10lbs when she was born and our donor was over 10lbs when he was born.  So if the baby keeps growing fast, then this could end up being a whopper!

In case you are wondering, the baby is now the length of a carrot.  Last week banana, this week carrot.  The little peanut is now kicking up a storm, which apparently is normal at this stage of the game.  In other news: the baby's eyelids and eyebrows are now present.  Sick hey?  The parasite was just floating around in there with no eyelids.  I get that it's dark in its cave, but still that is creepy.  Couldn't the eyelids have developed before the fingerprints???  The latter just doesn't seem as important to have.

We tried to get a picture of the baby's face or its profile, but it just did not want us to see what it looks like.  We did find out the sex of the baby but I'm not sure yet if it's going to be announced on here.  I am still deciding, and the votes are all tied for everything except "yes" so I'm not feeling that the masses would like to know.  Ohhhh, decisions decisions.

Those ought to keep the dust out of baby's eyes.

It's Alive!!!....Again

The little parasite kicked me!  And I was ecstatic about it.  Such a cool feeling.  The wife started to feel the baby move within the last week, and the other day she sent me a video message that showed it kicking.  Well it was a blink-and-you-miss-it kind of moment, but it happened!  I am determined to get a better video of it happening too.  I figured if the baby is kicking enough that I can see it, then it is kicking enough for me to feel it.  It was a nice little surprise.  Especially since we are going to see our little peanut tomorrow.

And in case you are wondering we have decided to find out what the sex of the baby is.  I don't know if we are going to announce it or if we are just going to tell a few.  What do you think?

Should we announce the baby's gender to the masses?

But I'm A Toys R Us Kid!

Gaaa!  I think I'm becoming an adult.  I'm not entirely there, but I can feel its cold claws trying to get me.  I am nearing 30 years old (ok I'm on the doorstep) but I'm more like a big kid.  I still play video games, I love watching stupid comedies and horror movies, and I sometimes feel like I get along better with my friends' children than I do with my friends.  So the thought of becoming a full-fledged adult is somewhat scary to me.

So we were watching TV and there was a commercial for a van.  My wife criticized the commercial and then at the end goes "that's actually a nice van."  Our child isn't even born yet and the wife is turning into a soccer mom.  You want to know what's the saddest part?  I actually considered that it was a nice van.  Then I realized what I was thinking, and quickly thought of bleach to wipe away any evidence.

But seriously, all this talk of car seats and baby gates is freaking me out.  Next I will be dropping them off at university.  Eek.  My wife says that I am probably going to be a big kid forever, but I feel the dark side calling to me and it's getting harder to resist.

Gulp

It's 20 weeks people! Holy Hannah!  That's halfway cooked.  Or halfway raw.  Depends if you're a pessimist or an optimist.  And today the little parasite is as long as a banana.  A banana!  Apparently the little peanut has been in the fetal position (get it? fetal position) until now, and now it is measured from head to toes instead of head to bum.  Exciting stuff hey?  Or freaky as heck.  Depending on if you're a pessimist or an optimist.

Just a forewarning, the peanut is doing some gross stuff.  You're probably thinking "nothing is gross when it's the miracle of life."  Wrong.  Very, very wrong.  According to the website I go to, the baby is swallowing.  Then in the next sentence it tells me that the baby is also producing meconium.  What is meconium, you ask?  Well meconium is "a black sticky by-product of digestion."  It's poop.  You can dress it up in a fancy word, but it is what it is.  Poop.  So my baby is confined to this tiny cave in my wife's belly, learning how to swallow, and is producing poop.  This is another example of horrible timing!  I apologize for the gross information.  In my defense, you were warned.

You thought the picture was going to be something else, didn't you?

Bets Anyone?

I think I know what we are having and I am going to say it.  So, spoiler alert!  Actually, I guess it isn't a spoiler alert if I'm just guessing.  Only if I were giving the actual results of the sonogram.  But that isn't for a bit (8 days) so spoiler guess alert!

I know what you're thinking: "what if it turns out to be the opposite?"  Well you know what?  That's a risk I am prepared to take.  I am pretty sure it won't care about my guessing.  Because really, I don't make an claims that I am prophetic.  On here anyway.  But folks, that is another story for another day.  Today I merely guess based on my small knowledge of pregnancy and my even smaller knowledge of the genders.

I am guessing that we are having a girl.  I researched baby cave placement and found out that if it is high and wide then it is a girl.  The bump moves to the sides and keeps getting higher.  I'm not expert though, and neither is the interweb, but like I said before, my little bit of knowledge is leading me to believe this.  Oh and did I mention that the wife and I have both had dreams that the baby is a girl?  Yeah that too.  That has to be science right?  I thought so.  I don't know if my guess/revelation/prophecy has had any influence on betting pools that may be happening in Vegas as we speak, but I just thought it would be nice to share with you fine folks.  I guess we will just have to wait and see, won't we?

Mother Of The Year Award? Maybe.

Ohmygodohmygodohymygod.  So the wife and I were laying in bed this weekend and she wanted me to scratch her belly.  First I wanted to know where the parasite was situated.  Most days I can feel it...or its cave.  Well I couldn't find it.  The end.  Nah I'm kidding.  So I proceeded to scratch the wife's stomach.  Well guess who comes to play?  The peanut!  All of a sudden it's cave surfaces from the abyss and pokes itself out a bit to the left.  Not a kick, or punch, but an oozing of sorts.  Its whole cave just pushes out a bit.  SO. COOL.  It kinda freaked me out and now I cannot stop touching the stomach every time I pass.  For 19 1/2 weeks it seems pretty big to me.  That helps make it feel less like I'm caressing my wife's Buddha belly.  Which I'm not above doing.  So now I'm getting a wicked kick out of scratching her belly to make the baby surface its cave.  Some parents talk to their baby, I choose to give it its daily exercise.  Yea, look at me.

Tastes Like Chicken

Well hello there!  My hasn't it been quite some time since I last posted.  Almost forgot how to do it for a second there.  Nah, I'm kidding.  It's like riding a bike...even a chimpanzee can do it.  I apologize for my lengthy absence.  I was struggling with a bit of writer's block.  But here I am!  Ready to make you laugh your socks off. Or a giggle will suffice.

So here's a bit of an update to get the ball rolling.  The parasite is now the size of an heirloom tomato.  I had to ask my mother what that size is because I honestly did not know that tomatoes had different sizes.  Besides of course, the obvious difference between a regular tomato and a cherry tomato.  But really, I should be forgiven easily since I only started to like tomatoes again about a year or so ago.  So I just thought heirloom tomatoes were only different in their coloring.  You did too?  Oh good, I'm not alone.

Some highlights that come along with the lovely heirloom tomato...the baby's brain is now "coming alive" and designating special areas for taste, smell, hearing, touch and vision.  I sure do hope that it's not kicking in too soon though.  Especially since, as you may remember, the baby's started to use its excretion system...if you catch my drift.  Yuck.  But good for it hey?  Yeah, I'm proud.

Sit-Down Maybe?

If I ever did stand-up comedy I think I might have the following bit in it.

I think that parents are given too many freedoms to raise their children, especially at the very beginning with...the name.  Parents do not think long and hard enough about their child's name or how it will affect them in the future.  There should be someone that works in the maternity ward whose sole job is to help parents with filling out their child's birth information.  So when those beaming parents go to write down "Apple", this person will be like "Really? Realllly? Do you honestly think that any good can come from that?  Don't you think the kids are going to have a little too much fun with that?  Don't you think that they are going to cringe every time they go to pick up something in their name and someone says 'hey that's a neat name! is it your real name'?  Do you really think they are going to want to be Aunt Apple or even Grandma Apple?  No, not even a little bit. Are you kidding me with the three middle names?  This is not a contest and even if it was you would not win.  The record is like 30 and we aren't giving you an extra sheet to complete this form.  And what's with the last name Swashbuckler???  Your last name is Smith and the father's last name is Jones.  All your children have different last names.  Stop it!"  I feel this person would be highly utilized, and I would like to apply for that position immediately.

Dr. Cellophane Skin?

Does everybody know what day it is???  Food comparison day!!!  The little peanut is the size of a bell pepper today (about 5 1/2 inches long).  Seriously, these foods are so random sometimes.  I honestly thought a turnip was bigger than a bell pepper.  Guess not.

Some highlights this week are that the baby is moving its arms and legs around.  The wife can't feel anything yet, but its still soon.  Check out this video for an idea of what the little one is up to in the wife's belly.

Video of Weeks 15-20! In 3-D!!!

Oh and one other thing...blood vessels are visible through the skin.  Miracle of life?  Maybe?  Somewhat creepy?  A little bit?  Sort of superhero-ish?  I think so!!!  What a crazy feature!  See-through skin.  I'm not sure what advantage this could be used for.  Maybe it's more supervillian-ish.  Yeah, it would be raised by me, so it would probably be more of a supervillian.  But it would have awesome looking skin!

The Following Is a List of Things Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman

• Fat/Chubby/Plump/Chunky/Muffin-top
• Seriously you're going to be huge then.
• You can still do it, you're not that big yet.
• Is this one of those situations where you actually want me to be honest?
• Of course I would never lie to you.
• Are you honestly going to ask for that many pickled items in your Virgin Caesar
• Oh that's gross, how can you eat that?
• Omg what did you eat?
• The cat's name isn't Madge...why are you calling her Madge?...do you honestly believe that is her name?