More Breasts Than A Bucket of Chicken

So we went to a breastfeeding class the other night, and it in no way met my expectations.  And considering I didn't have many expectations, that is pretty bad.  I didn't really want to go to the class in the first place.  I was tired from work, so I just wanted to stay at home and nap.  Plus I didn't have a clue what a person could say about breastfeeding that could take up two hours.  Well let me tell you!  I felt like at the end of the whole spiel I was going to walk out with a timeshare in Fort Lauderdale.

YOU MUST BREASTFEED AND ONLY BREASTFEED

OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the feeling I got from the "instructor" of the class.  This woman yammered on for 2.25 hours about the same few thoughts, and I felt like she was overselling the whole idea of breastfeeding.  I mean we obviously went to the class to learn more about breastfeeding, so it's not like she had to really convince us.

It was also super awkward every time she mentioned how important the dad's role is to the process.  Especially since there was another lesbian couple sitting right next to us holding hands, in the front row.  The slides behind her were more PC with the word "partner" but she kept saying dad.  It's not a huge deal, especially since the norm with couples having babies is to have a mom and a dad, but it just felt dumb considering she was five feet away from a bunch of obviously gay women. Noooooo, we didn't all have on our flannel shirts and Birkenstocks.  But we were holding hands with our respective partners.

Anywho, I saw way more breasts than I ever wanted to that night.  And I can't believe I just said that.

I'm Trying Not To Panic....

....but it's not working.  Today we are at 36 weeks, which to me means nothing.  But according to the baby website the baby will be full-term at the end of this week.  I call FALSE ADVERTISING!  If you are going to give a baby's due date, then give the full-term date, none of this over-cooking date.  How ridiculous is that??  A due date is when the baby is due, not a "let's shoot for this day" kind of date.  So basically I'm told that it could be any day now.  ANY DAY NOW.  I, on the other hand, have replied that the baby will not come until noon on the due date.  So August 27 at 12pm is when baby will be born.  My last day of work is the 23rd, so I have given permission to the baby to come any day after that, but not sooner.  I did not hear any back-talk in reply, so I'm gonna assume that the baby is in agreement.

So there are some things to note this week.  The baby is around 6lbs (according to the website) and weighs as much as a "Crenshaw melon".  Seriously, I don't know who chooses these comparison foods.  In case you were curious (and I know you are) some other things that weigh 6lbs are a gallon of milk, and a human's skin.  Did you just picture it sitting in a pile like discarded clothing?  You did now.  You're welcome for the mental picture.

The baby is getting rid of its "downy covering of hair" and the waxy film that is is covered in.  And guess what!  It's swallowing all of it, and that's what its first bowel movement will consist of.  They actually mentioned that.  So gross. So, so gross.  I really didn't need to know that.  That would be like eating any skin that peels off from a sunburn, and licking off any sweat.  Once again, you're welcome.

Made With 100% Natural Products

pi·ca/ˈpīkə/

Noun:

2. A tendency or craving to eat substances other than normal food (such as clay, plaster, or ashes), occurring during childhood or pregnancy

Thank goodness my wife is only intensely craving ice right now, because I don’t know if I could sleep next to her if she was eating things like dirt or ashes.  The ice cravings have been going on for quite a while now, and there are times where I think the wife would do anything to get some ice.  She has become very generous in getting me Slurpees because then she has a reason to get a large cup of ice.  You may be wondering why she has to buy her ice by the cup.  Well, I have learned over the last little while that all ice is not created equal.  Shocked? I thought so.  The ice you make in your freezer at home is quite hard, the ice you buy by the bag is a bit softer, but the ice you buy in convenience stores to go in soft drinks....premium quality ice.  Apparently it tastes amazing, but honestly I prefer this last type because it doesn't sound like she is going to snap off a tooth.  

There are some evenings where I forget that she eats ice, and all of a sudden I hear crunching and think to myself, "man whatever she's eating sounds really good."  Then I remember that she is not eating anything of nutritional value, and go back to blocking the sound out.  I wonder if this is one of those old wives tales where the baby is going to be an excellent skater or will be an avid member of the polar bear club.  Only time will tell, I guess.

Hello. Is It Me You're Looking For?

Well hello blog.  Long time no see.

 It has been brought to my attention by a few of my friends that they do not appreciate seeing a post about poop every time they come to read my blog.  That and they want to read more of my awesome wittiness.  Maybe that last part is a bit of a stretch.  Nonetheless, I am really going to try to commit to this blog, and write in it waaaaayyyyy more often than I have been.  If I don't, I believe there are those who will give me the kick in the butt that I need to get on it.

So good night, and see you soon.

This Is The Crap I'm Looking Up....Literally

We have been discussing diapers lately - cloth vs. disposable - and I was curious about how many diapers a baby goes through in a week.  Then I began to look at diaper results with breast milk vs. formula.  Gah!  So many factors!  But check out the lovely image I found (parts omitted to protect the innocent):

Sorry, I guess I should've warned you a bit with that one.  But really, it was pretty much there in the title.

Ew Spit It Out!

We are at 29 weeks now, which means only 10ish weeks left.  You heard me...10ish weeks left!  Let's stay calm though.  We can get through this together.  According to the website the peanut is around 2.5 pounds, which is the weight of a butternut squash.  On a side-note, I'm not a fan of the squashes.  The wife loves 'em, but I choke it down while she stares at me.  Anywho, we went for an ultrasound on Tuesday, and our baby actually weighs about 2lbs 13oz.  The wife is worried that the parasite is going to weigh in around the 10 pound mark, but the ultrasound guy thinks it will be smaller.  Thank goodness!  I don't think I could ever look at my wife the same way again if she pushed out a 10 pound object.  I just cannot see anyone bounce back from that fully.

I saw the baby yawn on the ultrasound, which melted me heart.  Not yet born, and it already has me wrapped around a finger.  I couldn't help thinking of how I yawn though.  Mouth stretched open, eyes disappearing, and...oh yeah...inhaling!  What the heck is the little one inhaling?  It's pretty much 29 week-old bath water at this point.  Try yawning without inhaling.  It's super creepy, and you can't do it.  So you know that the baby is inhaling the fluid.  What would be fantastic to see would be the baby blowing bubbles in the fluid.  I mean if you have all that time in there, you may as well have some fun.

28 Weeks

I have missed a lot the past week or more.  I had an emergency at work that took up way too much of my energy, and left me absolutely drained.  I have not only neglected this blog, but I have neglected the baby too.  While I was focused on myself, my baby went from being as long as a cucumber to weighing as much as a head of cauliflower and now to weighing as much as a much as a Chinese cabbage.  Honestly, I'm not even going to look up a Chinese cabbage because I feel that I would only be perpetuating the ridiculous comparisons that the website makes to vegetables and fruit.  Possible conspiracy to get me to buy these vegetables and fruit perhaps? I think so.

Some other highlights include some sporty eyelashes that the little parasite can blink with, the ability for the little one to suck on fingers (ew), and baby is getting some pudge now to fill out that wrinkly skin that we talked about previously.  We have the ultrasound next week so I guess we will see just how pudgy the little one is getting.

Baby is pretty darn active these days, and ranges from kicking the wife in the bladder to snuggling up against her ribs.  Awww doesn't that sound cute? No, no it does not.  The thought of it actually creeps me out.  Last night the wife told me to look at her stomach, and I swear to Jebus that the baby did a somersault right before my eyes.  It was like when you see something move right below the surface of the water, and it makes a small bubble of movement on top.  Creepy.  The wife usually says, "aren't you looking forward to going through this?"  To be quite honest I am a little curious about the whole thing, but I'm also very creeped out by the thought of having something alive inside of me.  To get the same feeling as me, think about having a tumor inside of you.  Not your everyday, run-of-the-mill type of tumor, but the one with teeth and hair.  I know that it's not fair to compare the two, but really that type of tumor grows too.  And the last time I checked, only living things grow.  Just saying.  Oh and if you google "tumor with teeth and hair" you just may throw up a little.  In case you had the urge.

Best Game Ever

I have started playing a new game with my unborn child.  I have completely given up on the idea of ever talking to the little peanut.  Too creepy.  And to be quite honest, does it really care what I have to say?  I know, I know, it's my voice that is the point.  But I really just don't have anything that's good enough to say out loud to myself, or the wife, so why would I force myself to say things just for the baby?  Exactly.

So my interactions with my baby are more physical than verbal.  The game consists of me blowing on my wife's stomach...you know, making the farting sounds...and then the parasite kicking/punching my wife and me.  We had a good round the other night.  That is, until the game came to a screeching halt when the little bugger kicked my wife's bladder, and she shouted "okay! game over!"  It was fun while it lasted.  The baby seemed to enjoy it anyway.  Unless it was really just pissed off and kicking to get me to stop.  Nahhhh.

One Fat Cuke

Oh my word we are at 26 weeks!  The little parasite is up to its usual shenanigans in its cave.  Every now and then the cave will suddenly push out and to the left side of my wife's belly button.  I was laying on my wife's stomach the other night and the little peanut kicked me in the head.  It's cute now, but if I let this kind of behavior continue what will my parenting style turn into?  Will I be a pushover?  Will our child walk all over me?  Man I hope not.  I may have to start cracking the whip now.

The little one is now weighing in at around a pound and two-thirds, and is as long as an English hothouse cucumber.  I have no idea what distinguishes an English hothouse cucumber from other cucumbers.  And is there a difference between English cucumbers and English hothouse cucumbers?  I have a feeling these aren't the questions I should be asking.  I looked up English hothouse cucumbers and there were many links for pregnancy descriptions.  Either everyone knows what an English hothouse cucumber is, or there are more people who read the baby site I go to than just myself.  I'm gonna go with the latter.

Some other highlights include better hearing, and our baby inhaling some amniotic fluid.  Apparently this is good for the little one, and helps its lungs to develop.  Sure, it's good for a baby to inhale liquid, but when I inhale the smallest amount of saliva I cough for days.  Damn old people lungs.

Oh come on! You were thinking it too!

Maybe Climbing Stairs With A Hippo On Back?

The other day my wife compared pregnancy to "climbing Mount Everest."  I have heard this before whilst reading about pregnant women's journeys.  Don't get me wrong, I do believe that the creation of a living human bean inside you is quite a feat.   I do, however, think that the previous statement might be stretching it a bit.  Not to mention a huge cliche.  I mean, during the one: you gain an average of 27 pounds, eat a lot of weird items, and create a peanut inside of you.  During the other: you climb 29,029 feet, attempt to pee without having it freeze to your bits, and encounter a "death zone" during the last part of the ascent.

I'm almost positive climbing Mount Everest is waaayyy harder.  When the wife starts asking me for oxygen tanks and some Sherpas to help her carry them, then I will have more sympathy for her using this statement.  And really all pregnant women should change their wording for that matter.  Instead they should adopt a new motto.  "Pregnancy: Like Climbing An Ant-Hill" or "Pregnancy: Like Climbing a Hill With a Toddler."  Don't worry people, I got this covered.  I will figure this thing out if it kills me.  Nah that's exaggerating a touch.  I will try to figure this out until my wife kills me.  Yeah that sounds more accurate.

Worst. Blog. Ever

I am a horrible blogger, and I would totally understand if you chose not to read this thing anymore.  I need to get on the ball with this thing.

First of all for the updates.  We are at 25 weeks this week, and I'm not gonna lie, I am a little panicky about things.  We are more than half-way there and it's all so real!  According to the baby website, the little parasite is  not so little anymore and weighs as much as a rutabaga...whatever that means.  I've never seen a rutabaga that looks the same as the next.  The wife went to see her doc the other day, and the baby is measuring big for where we are at so really it could weigh more than a rutabaga.  I think I just like saying rutabaga.  Come on, say it out loud with me.  Didn't that feel good.

Some other highlights...I turned 30 this week.  It's not so much a highlight as it as an occurrence.  I don't like birthdays so I really wasn't enthused about this one.  At least during my 30th year I will have a child.  There's something to check off on the list of things to do before I kick the bucket.  So in dealing with that I just have not been in the mood to write.  But that is selfish of me, and I'm not thinking about my loyal readers...you know who you three are!  All I can say is I will try to do better.

Still Cooking

Well it's that time of week again.  The wife is 24 weeks now...or approximately 6 months if you hate doing math.  The little parasite is about as long as an ear of corn now, and weighs just a pound.  Some highlights this week: baby's brain is growing, it's lungs are developing "branches", taste buds are continuing to develop, and it's skin is still see-through.  It has no use for taste buds at this point, but it's skin is still see-through.  It is so amazing how messed up the prioritization is when it comes to development.  I just cannot get over that.  I mean kudos to the human body for the final product, but the production is just all over the place.  Taste buds should be last in my opinion.  But if I were in charge of production the kids would probably come out totally under-cooked.  So I guess it's best to leave it in there at 98.6°F for 16 more weeks.

A Little Sixteen and A Whole Lot of Pregnant

We are watching "Sixteen and Pregnant" right now (my hate-on for that could be touched on in another post) and the whiny little thing wanted to be induced because she was too uncomfortable.  Maybe she should've stuck to the uncomfortable of a condom if she didn't want this uncomfortable feeling.  I'm sorry!  I just not a fan of this show.  Anywho!  On this lovely episode they decided to give in to the girl and induce her.  A few minutes later...they really should time-stamp these shows...they told her she isn't progressing quickly enough and now she will have to have a c-section.  She was uncomfortable....and now she has to have a c-section!

Then most importantly, I became uncomfortable because the c-section was gross.  I know its an everyday surgery, but they leave the baby hanging half in and half out while they get the crap out of its mouth or nose.  That and it's an odd, alien-shade of grey.  I would take bloody and gooey over grey, but that's just me.

I try to sympathize with the girls on this show.  After all, they are just 16 and pregnant...except that most of them aren't!  The majority of the preggos are finishing, or finished, high school.  There's no way they're 16.  I can't respect a show that lies to me.  Well I actually can since I watch a lot of fiction, but not when it's a documentary!  That's where the foot gets put down.

Rock a Bye Mango

Well the little peanut is 23 weeks today.  It's still as long as a spaghetti squash, but now it weighs as much as a large mango.  I could not make this stuff up, even if I tried.  Apparently the baby is now reactive to the sounds outside the stomach.  All this pressure to talk to it!  I'm sure it already gets enough of my voice.  I do talk a lot at home and I'm fairly loud.  So I really don't see the need for excessive talking.  But, if the baby now reacts to sounds more, then I think my music sharing will pay off.  This kid is going to have the best taste in music...in my mind anyway.

We built the crib yesterday.  Actually that's a lie.  We built the crib Monday AND Tuesday.  The instructions included with the crib contained three duplicates of the steps to complete 3/4 of the crib, but not the rest.  I gave up before that though because it was so damn frustrating.  There were like 50 pieces of hardware to sort and figure out.  And honestly, we did screw part of the crib on backwards.  It was quickly fixed, though, and I soon gave up for the evening.  I guessed at how to put the rest of the crib together and I'm hoping its solid.  Key word is hoping.  I could test it out with a spaghetti squash or a large mango.

Some Things Should Remain a Mystery

Before we went to the first ultrasound I wanted to look at videos on YouTube of the different ultrasounds.  I don't really trust the 3-D ultrasounds because I don't know that much about them, but I wanted to see what they looked like compared to the traditional 2-D type.  The following is a video I found comparing 2-D, 3-D, and even 4-D ultrasounds.



I think the 3-D images are gross.  Not "we are looking through layers of goo and amniotic fluid" gross, but more "these babies were buried by lava at Pompeii" gross.  At least the 4-D ones look like actual, live babies.  Babies in goo, but still babies.  I think for now I will just stick with the original 2-D imaging.  I can wait until the baby is born to see its face.

**Painting Update** For the most part the taping left clean lines.  There were a few areas that will need touch-ups, but I am pleasantly surprised with how well the paint job turned out.  So, if you're keeping track, there are now about 8 coats of paint where the stripes are...oy.

Squish Squash

This past week has been devoted to painting the nursery.  I hate painting.  Walls mostly.  There is just too much preparation involved, and when it doesn't go according to plan then it is just plain annoying.  Plus I get paint all over myself.  We decided to try this primer and paint in one with the thinking being that it would be less work.  Wrong, oh so wrong.  We decided that we didn't want to paint the room in traditional boy or girl colors before we knew what we were having.  So we chose green with brown strips.  This was apparently our first mistake, since green doesn't cover easily.  The paint was way too thin to have primer in it.  So, four to five coats later and it finally looks half-way decent.  

Then came the stripes.  Measuring, leveling, and taping was a ridiculous.  Long story short, I messed up with measurements and it does not look like we planned.  It doesn't look bad though, so that's all that matters.  So currently we have the second coat drying (once again, paint/primer mix), and I'm pretty sure it's only going to take one more coat.  But I am scared to remove the tape.  All this week we have been seeing commercials for painters tape...more specifically the brand that we purchased...and how it does lines so well.  I have my doubts, but I guess we will find out after coat number three tonight.

Oh, and since I forgot to post earlier on the size of the little parasite, I wanted to mention that it's as long as a spaghetti squash.  It's pretty long for 22 weeks.  In my mind anyway.  I feel it should be a lot smaller.  I really didn't know what size that was so I Googled it.  Here is a picture for your reference:

Baby's First Concert

I still can't talk to my child.  I just can't get the thought of how Ross from "Friends" looked out of my head.  It might be easier if I read it a story, but that still feels weird to me too.  So I have come up with a compromise.  We are listening to music together.  I put one ear bud in my ear, and I put the other one in the microphone (bellybutton) so that we can listen at the same time without disturbing the wife.  I haven't found one that the little peanut is particularly ecstatic about yet, but I am determined to find something that makes it dance.  I do know that the parasite is capable of dancing because the wife was woken up the other day by the baby "river dancing" in its cave.  I will just have to try a variety of music to find what it likes best.

There's that whole theory that playing classical music for unborn babies can make it smarter when it's older, but my perusing of the internet has resulted in not enough studies done in this area.  I guess we will have to see once this little thing gets older.  In the meantime I will conduct my own experiments with a variety of music.  Then I can see what gets it moving and what doesn't.  This could actually be more fun then pouring my heart out to an unsuspecting baby.  And more interesting for it too.

Turns Out It's A Baby In There

It's a......baby! I know, I was just as shocked as you. I half expected a monkey or a piece of fruit in there.  I was wrong.  So I got to see our baby for the first time and it was amazing.  Who knew such a weird picture of a baby would make someone so happy?  I sure didn't.  Baby is healthy and is a few days bigger than expected.  You're probably thinking oh that isn't much.  It is, though, when you think about the fact that the wife was close to 10lbs when she was born and our donor was over 10lbs when he was born.  So if the baby keeps growing fast, then this could end up being a whopper!

In case you are wondering, the baby is now the length of a carrot.  Last week banana, this week carrot.  The little peanut is now kicking up a storm, which apparently is normal at this stage of the game.  In other news: the baby's eyelids and eyebrows are now present.  Sick hey?  The parasite was just floating around in there with no eyelids.  I get that it's dark in its cave, but still that is creepy.  Couldn't the eyelids have developed before the fingerprints???  The latter just doesn't seem as important to have.

We tried to get a picture of the baby's face or its profile, but it just did not want us to see what it looks like.  We did find out the sex of the baby but I'm not sure yet if it's going to be announced on here.  I am still deciding, and the votes are all tied for everything except "yes" so I'm not feeling that the masses would like to know.  Ohhhh, decisions decisions.

Those ought to keep the dust out of baby's eyes.

It's Alive!!!....Again

The little parasite kicked me!  And I was ecstatic about it.  Such a cool feeling.  The wife started to feel the baby move within the last week, and the other day she sent me a video message that showed it kicking.  Well it was a blink-and-you-miss-it kind of moment, but it happened!  I am determined to get a better video of it happening too.  I figured if the baby is kicking enough that I can see it, then it is kicking enough for me to feel it.  It was a nice little surprise.  Especially since we are going to see our little peanut tomorrow.

And in case you are wondering we have decided to find out what the sex of the baby is.  I don't know if we are going to announce it or if we are just going to tell a few.  What do you think?

Should we announce the baby's gender to the masses?

But I'm A Toys R Us Kid!

Gaaa!  I think I'm becoming an adult.  I'm not entirely there, but I can feel its cold claws trying to get me.  I am nearing 30 years old (ok I'm on the doorstep) but I'm more like a big kid.  I still play video games, I love watching stupid comedies and horror movies, and I sometimes feel like I get along better with my friends' children than I do with my friends.  So the thought of becoming a full-fledged adult is somewhat scary to me.

So we were watching TV and there was a commercial for a van.  My wife criticized the commercial and then at the end goes "that's actually a nice van."  Our child isn't even born yet and the wife is turning into a soccer mom.  You want to know what's the saddest part?  I actually considered that it was a nice van.  Then I realized what I was thinking, and quickly thought of bleach to wipe away any evidence.

But seriously, all this talk of car seats and baby gates is freaking me out.  Next I will be dropping them off at university.  Eek.  My wife says that I am probably going to be a big kid forever, but I feel the dark side calling to me and it's getting harder to resist.

Gulp

It's 20 weeks people! Holy Hannah!  That's halfway cooked.  Or halfway raw.  Depends if you're a pessimist or an optimist.  And today the little parasite is as long as a banana.  A banana!  Apparently the little peanut has been in the fetal position (get it? fetal position) until now, and now it is measured from head to toes instead of head to bum.  Exciting stuff hey?  Or freaky as heck.  Depending on if you're a pessimist or an optimist.

Just a forewarning, the peanut is doing some gross stuff.  You're probably thinking "nothing is gross when it's the miracle of life."  Wrong.  Very, very wrong.  According to the website I go to, the baby is swallowing.  Then in the next sentence it tells me that the baby is also producing meconium.  What is meconium, you ask?  Well meconium is "a black sticky by-product of digestion."  It's poop.  You can dress it up in a fancy word, but it is what it is.  Poop.  So my baby is confined to this tiny cave in my wife's belly, learning how to swallow, and is producing poop.  This is another example of horrible timing!  I apologize for the gross information.  In my defense, you were warned.

You thought the picture was going to be something else, didn't you?

Bets Anyone?

I think I know what we are having and I am going to say it.  So, spoiler alert!  Actually, I guess it isn't a spoiler alert if I'm just guessing.  Only if I were giving the actual results of the sonogram.  But that isn't for a bit (8 days) so spoiler guess alert!

I know what you're thinking: "what if it turns out to be the opposite?"  Well you know what?  That's a risk I am prepared to take.  I am pretty sure it won't care about my guessing.  Because really, I don't make an claims that I am prophetic.  On here anyway.  But folks, that is another story for another day.  Today I merely guess based on my small knowledge of pregnancy and my even smaller knowledge of the genders.

I am guessing that we are having a girl.  I researched baby cave placement and found out that if it is high and wide then it is a girl.  The bump moves to the sides and keeps getting higher.  I'm not expert though, and neither is the interweb, but like I said before, my little bit of knowledge is leading me to believe this.  Oh and did I mention that the wife and I have both had dreams that the baby is a girl?  Yeah that too.  That has to be science right?  I thought so.  I don't know if my guess/revelation/prophecy has had any influence on betting pools that may be happening in Vegas as we speak, but I just thought it would be nice to share with you fine folks.  I guess we will just have to wait and see, won't we?

Mother Of The Year Award? Maybe.

Ohmygodohmygodohymygod.  So the wife and I were laying in bed this weekend and she wanted me to scratch her belly.  First I wanted to know where the parasite was situated.  Most days I can feel it...or its cave.  Well I couldn't find it.  The end.  Nah I'm kidding.  So I proceeded to scratch the wife's stomach.  Well guess who comes to play?  The peanut!  All of a sudden it's cave surfaces from the abyss and pokes itself out a bit to the left.  Not a kick, or punch, but an oozing of sorts.  Its whole cave just pushes out a bit.  SO. COOL.  It kinda freaked me out and now I cannot stop touching the stomach every time I pass.  For 19 1/2 weeks it seems pretty big to me.  That helps make it feel less like I'm caressing my wife's Buddha belly.  Which I'm not above doing.  So now I'm getting a wicked kick out of scratching her belly to make the baby surface its cave.  Some parents talk to their baby, I choose to give it its daily exercise.  Yea, look at me.

Tastes Like Chicken

Well hello there!  My hasn't it been quite some time since I last posted.  Almost forgot how to do it for a second there.  Nah, I'm kidding.  It's like riding a bike...even a chimpanzee can do it.  I apologize for my lengthy absence.  I was struggling with a bit of writer's block.  But here I am!  Ready to make you laugh your socks off. Or a giggle will suffice.

So here's a bit of an update to get the ball rolling.  The parasite is now the size of an heirloom tomato.  I had to ask my mother what that size is because I honestly did not know that tomatoes had different sizes.  Besides of course, the obvious difference between a regular tomato and a cherry tomato.  But really, I should be forgiven easily since I only started to like tomatoes again about a year or so ago.  So I just thought heirloom tomatoes were only different in their coloring.  You did too?  Oh good, I'm not alone.

Some highlights that come along with the lovely heirloom tomato...the baby's brain is now "coming alive" and designating special areas for taste, smell, hearing, touch and vision.  I sure do hope that it's not kicking in too soon though.  Especially since, as you may remember, the baby's started to use its excretion system...if you catch my drift.  Yuck.  But good for it hey?  Yeah, I'm proud.

Sit-Down Maybe?

If I ever did stand-up comedy I think I might have the following bit in it.

I think that parents are given too many freedoms to raise their children, especially at the very beginning with...the name.  Parents do not think long and hard enough about their child's name or how it will affect them in the future.  There should be someone that works in the maternity ward whose sole job is to help parents with filling out their child's birth information.  So when those beaming parents go to write down "Apple", this person will be like "Really? Realllly? Do you honestly think that any good can come from that?  Don't you think the kids are going to have a little too much fun with that?  Don't you think that they are going to cringe every time they go to pick up something in their name and someone says 'hey that's a neat name! is it your real name'?  Do you really think they are going to want to be Aunt Apple or even Grandma Apple?  No, not even a little bit. Are you kidding me with the three middle names?  This is not a contest and even if it was you would not win.  The record is like 30 and we aren't giving you an extra sheet to complete this form.  And what's with the last name Swashbuckler???  Your last name is Smith and the father's last name is Jones.  All your children have different last names.  Stop it!"  I feel this person would be highly utilized, and I would like to apply for that position immediately.

Dr. Cellophane Skin?

Does everybody know what day it is???  Food comparison day!!!  The little peanut is the size of a bell pepper today (about 5 1/2 inches long).  Seriously, these foods are so random sometimes.  I honestly thought a turnip was bigger than a bell pepper.  Guess not.

Some highlights this week are that the baby is moving its arms and legs around.  The wife can't feel anything yet, but its still soon.  Check out this video for an idea of what the little one is up to in the wife's belly.

Video of Weeks 15-20! In 3-D!!!

Oh and one other thing...blood vessels are visible through the skin.  Miracle of life?  Maybe?  Somewhat creepy?  A little bit?  Sort of superhero-ish?  I think so!!!  What a crazy feature!  See-through skin.  I'm not sure what advantage this could be used for.  Maybe it's more supervillian-ish.  Yeah, it would be raised by me, so it would probably be more of a supervillian.  But it would have awesome looking skin!

The Following Is a List of Things Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman

• Fat/Chubby/Plump/Chunky/Muffin-top
• Seriously you're going to be huge then.
• You can still do it, you're not that big yet.
• Is this one of those situations where you actually want me to be honest?
• Of course I would never lie to you.
• Are you honestly going to ask for that many pickled items in your Virgin Caesar
• Oh that's gross, how can you eat that?
• Omg what did you eat?
• The cat's name isn't Madge...why are you calling her Madge?...do you honestly believe that is her name?

Secret. Strong Enough For A Man, But May Be Necessary For A Baby

So it's that time of the week again.  Baby development update time!  It seems to be going by insanely fast for me.  I feel like just yesterday I was posting about the avocado inside my wife's belly.  Now it's the size of a turnip.  Some big things are happening for the little peanut now.  Its skeleton is now changing from cartilage to bone (maybe adamantium??) and it can move its joints now.  But you know me.  I had to have found something weird about the baby's growth.  Fear not my loyal readers!  I have found it.  The little parasite's sweat glands are starting to develop.  Sweat glands!  Come on already!  This baby has fingerprints and now sweat glands.  So unnecessary.  I just don't understand it.  The complex things should be concentrated on first and then focus on the neat little perks that us humans come with.  It's like buying a car.  You don't focus on the little things like a five CD changer or power locks at first.  You focus on how many miles are on the car or the body.  Start with the basics and then get fancy!

Now, without further ado:

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

It's Alive!!!

Well the little peanut has a heartbeat.  Here is the recording.  Those other sounds are the peanut kicking in reaction to the Doppler.

Enjoy!

Chuckling Zombie

So the parasite has been cooking for 16 weeks and the wife is still not getting a good night's rest.  I was awake until 4am the other night and she was asleep that entire time from at least 11pm.  So she was asleep for a good length of time with minimal wake ups.  But here's the kicker: she's talking in her sleep.  We have been together for 8 & 1/2 years and in that time she has frequently talked in her sleep.  Well to be totally honest it was a deafening snoring until a few years ago.  The thing was though, that she didn't talk a lot.  It was more of a once a month type deal.  Now it's at least once a week or more.

The other night I was watching a little Family Guy before bed, a hilarious episode I might add, and I thought the wife was dead asleep until she started giggling.  Then silence.  Then a little while later she loudly exclaims "there is hair all over the blanket!"  I began talking to her, like I normally do, and she went on to explain that there was cat hair on the blanket she is crocheting.  It's then about that time that she wakes up and realizes I am humoring her.  Then she gets upset and tries to explain herself more.  The explanation: the cats are probably sitting on the blanket, she just knows it.  Good thing she falls asleep soon after or who knows what would happen.

So my theory is that she is falling asleep but just not reaching that deep, REM sleep...or whatever state she needs to be in to get some rest.  I think she's at the edge of sleep and that's why thoughts are creeping into her subconscious and she is talking.  I will be investigating this further, so fear not!  Answers are on their way!

Nightmare on Elm Street X

Ok I may have been a little hard on my wife yesterday.  She was aware of the topic I was typing if it helps your opinion of me.  I do love her dearly and appreciate her for all her baby-growing goodness.  I just also feel that if it's something that a lot of women go through, then why should it be hidden?

So today we are at 16 weeks!  Wee hooooo!  The peanut is now the size of an avocado.  Honestly they could tell me the baby is the size of a walnut next week and I would believe them.  I didn't think an avocado was that much bigger than an apple.  But apparently I am wrong.  That happened to me once before too.  It kinda tickles.  Anywho, the little parasite is growing quite nicely.  Hearts pumping some blood now, eyes are moving from fish position to normal predator position, and it's growing TOENAILS!!!  Insanity!  I understand the toenails serve a purpose in our lives, but I fail to see the necessity of them in the womb.  I mean seriously?  Toenails?  What if one grows rogue and pops the balloon?  Or worse yet, clips things on the way out?  Oh this is horrible.  Why do I look these things up?  The thought of a baby born with teeth creeped me out, but not like this.  *shudder* Great.  Now I have to share the picture that's in my head.

I'm Alive!

I don't know what prevented me from posting, but it sure wasn't my wife killing me.  Although we have had a talk about what I can and can not post.  Also, what I can and can not say to her.  For example: do not talk to a pregnant woman about her hormones...or her green death gas.  THERE! I SAID IT! Man alive that has been haunting me since the beginning.  I'm sorry, but it had to be said.  This is an epidemic that partners to preggos have been afraid to talk about, but it mustn't be kept hidden any longer!

I know what you're thinking...I'm a mind reader remember....but I too believe in karma and I don't think it applies to this situation.  You see I am not saying this out of malice.  I am saying it to inform the masses and to break the shame that preggos feel when they are faced with this situation.  I'm doing this for all the pregnant women out there who are hiding.  But mostly I'm doing this for all the partners out there who are holding their breath.  I had to say it!  I love my wife dearly, but there are times when this issue combined with the fan blowing the hot flashes my way are just too much.

Other than that it was a lovely week.

If There's No Post Thursday...Assume The Worst

Baby size dayyyyyyy!!!!!!

Today the parasite is the size of an apple!  I know what you're thinking...cuz I'm a mind reader...apples come in different sizes!  See, same thoughts.  Well the site goes further to tell me that it is 4 inches long, and weighs 2 1/2 ounces.  Honestly, I like to think that I don't use the metric system since I measure myself in feet, inches, and pounds, but I have no clue what the small sizes really are.  So I'm going with maybe a golden delicious.

In other news, our ultrasound appointment was pushed back to later in April.  I was a bit disappointed in the change, but I'm a little happier now that I realized that we have more time to decide if we want to know the peanuts sex.  I still can't decide.  Not sure if the wife has decided, but honestly my decision doesn't matter in the long run.  We could never do it where she knows and I don't. You've heard me complain about her awesome secret-keeping abilities.  Yeah not likely to happen.  The best I can do is to put up a good fight.  Although that's not the easiest thing to do with a pregnant woman.  Those hormones....O...M...G!  That's all I'm going to say.  Well actually that's all I should say since the wife reads this blog.  Love you honey!

Yakkity Yak Don't Talk Back

The baby site that I go to suggests that we talk to the little parasite this week.  It talks about how this can help with the bonding period and that it is great practice for after the baby is born.  At the sound of this my mind instantly goes to the episode of Friends where Ross starts to talk to his unborn child through his ex-wife's stomach.  Awkward sums that up nicely.  And that would totally be me.  I have a new found love for this episode now.  This episode was in my top ten Friends episodes to begin with.  There are so many great scenes in this episode but my favorite was always:
Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: (Deadpan) Well, you know you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it

My new favorite quote is now:Ross: (Talking to Carol's stomach) And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.

Really, I don't know what I would talk about.  Do I talk about my day?  Do I discuss my interests?  Does the little peanut even care?  Today I would talk about how my friend thinks this blog is awesome because it always puts her to sleep.  And I would tell the baby that the blog isn't boring, and that it is damn funny.  I will also tell the baby that I am a world famous writer and my friend is just jealous.  Hey!  It's my conversation with my baby, I can tell it what I want to!  (It won't know any different)

I Just Might Get Morning Sickness

I know I have already touched on the topic of food cravings, but I would like to take a post to re-visit that topic a little more.  I feel that as my wife's pregnancy progresses there are some issues that I have talked about before which will re-surface or even amplify.  In this case I believe it is amplifying.

And when the wife drags me into it, then it's definitely amplifying.  The other day I ate a strawberry dipped in peanut butter.  I know what you're thinking...it should taste like strawberry jam and peanut butter.  No, no it does not.  It tasted like gross.  I asked the wife at what point did her mind go from being rational and thinking that something would taste gross, to thinking hey those foods would taste fantastic together??  I just don't get it.  Her current sandwich addiction looks gross to me.  It consists of two pieces of toast, mayo, mustard, real cheddar cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, and lettuce.  It is a sopping mess like those Carls Jr's commercials.  Only the Carls Jr's burgers look really good.  Mmmmmm.  Whoops, sorry.  Got a little carried away there.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, I was dreading the food messes that we are headed for.  I never thought the wife would become a stereotypical pregnant woman but I was apparently wrong.  I'm dreading what other foods she can possibly add peanut butter to.  I'm sure she isn't finished with these concoctions.

Carls The Third?  No.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Wait 6 Months

Baby size update time!  And you guessed it, the baby is the size of a lemon.  Amazing.  Just amazing.  To go from a medium shrimp to a lemon is just unbelievable.  I can't wait to see what size it's going to be next week.  But I won't peek!  We will discover it (somewhat) together.

In other news, the peanut is making faces in my wife's belly.  Grimacing, frowning and squinting.  I don't know what all the fuss is about but apparently something is preventing it from smiling.  Maybe I need to work on my jokes.  There is no greater insult than a child not finding their parent funny.  So this child better learn to smile and giggle pretty quick, for my self-esteem's sake.  They say it takes more face muscles to frown than it does to smile, but I'm not so sure about that.  I know "they" are experts, but if that's true then why isn't my baby smiling already.  Is it because its head is still too big for its body?  Is it because it is now producing urine which it "releases into the amniotic fluid around him - a process he'll keep up until birth"?  Or is it because it now has downy hair all over its body called "lanugo"?  Picture a large headed monkey floating in its own pee. I don't know about you but any one of these things would make me frown.  Just saying.

Grab Your Rabbits Foot and Troll Doll

Superstitions.  Everyone has them.  Whether it's avoiding black cats or saying "bless you" after someone sneezes, superstitions are extremely common in everyday society.  And when it comes to being pregnant there is no exception.

The most common superstition has to do with the first trimester.  Generally women see it as bad luck to announce their pregnancies during the first trimester, and especially when they announce it to more than just immediate family.  Well, as I've said in a previous post, the wife has announced it to almost everyone she knows.    I, on the other hand, announced it to a select few...maybe five people that aren't my family.  I think my reasons were based on superstition.  I didn't want to keep it to myself for 3 months, and then if something happened I would be alone in my grief.  So I told those who mattered and would be supports.  My wife is just the type of person who would die with a secret, not because she goes to her grave with the secret, but because it would kill her to keep a secret inside.  I'm just always afraid of jinxing myself, so I have waited.

One of our close friends is Jewish-through-marriage, and two big superstitions for her are calling the baby by its name before it's born and buying baby things before the baby is born.  Regarding the first one, well that's just creepy.  I mentioned this to a friend and she was like "what to you do, say hey Betty while looking at the stomach?"  See.  Creepy.  I call it baby, peanut, or parasite.  Loving and endearing terms, but never its name. As for buying things, my wife found a crib that she loved after looking at about a thousand cribs.  (I actually contemplated switching careers to making baby furniture since that's where the money seems to be.)  The crib was on sale and included a mattress so she wanted to jump on it.  My in-laws told us they would help with the crib purchase so the wife let them know.  The crib was purchased but my mother-in-law was a little hesitant with the purchase being so soon.  The way I see it though, is that we are going to have a baby, one way or another, so purchasing it now makes no difference.  I don't want to jinx ourselves though, so it's still sitting in the box.

Same as Me, Just Different

We still have six months to go before my wife is ready to pop, but I am finding myself concerned with the labour process.  I am not really a blood or mucous person.  My wife and I have already made a deal: I will change poopy diapers if she deals with any bleeding, vomiting or snot.  I know that my end of things will be a little busier, but you know what? I am totally fine with that.  That is how much I do not like those three things.   So when it comes to labour and delivery (they seem one and the same to me, but apparently they aren't) I am becoming a little squeamish about the bloody mess that is inevitable.  Did you know they use strawberry jam on tv shows to simulate the mess of birthing?  I heard that once.  I think it was around the time that the show ER was on.  But as much as I try to say to myself that it will be similar to strawberry jam, it totally doesn't work.

So, I have come up with a solution...a stunt double!  It's perfect!  My wife will have support, and I won't have to see the mess.  Actually the topic came up when I asked the wife what should happen if I am at work and out on an emergency call when she goes into labour.  Her response, of course, was that I will get my butt down to the hospital A.S.A.P. and that no excuse is good enough for not getting there fast enough.  But things happen, so it would be awesome to have a stunt double who could swoop in.  I would probably pick my best friend because she is the closest thing to me, without actually being me.  And I'm sure she would be a lot nicer since she wouldn't have had to deal with the ups and downs of my wife's pregnancy hormones.  But this is not a democracy!  This is a dictatorship, whereby the wife and her parasite over-rule any decision.  I may as well get used to it since there's six months left.

Honey, Why Are The Car Keys In The Fridge?

Can you guess what topic I'm hung up on at the moment?  Pregnancy brain.  I feel that this phenomenon is not stressed enough to women, or anyone really.  I'm ready to start a non-profit agency with public service announcements on television.  It will be huge!  Actually the PSA sounds like it would be fun to make.  If I don't get around to it first, I think the good people at Saturday Night Live should get on that. I'm kinda surprised they don't have one already.

My wife is reading this book that blames pregnancy brain, or "maternal amnesia", on a woman be so "preoccupied with the excitement of pregnancy during this period that other things seem less important and fail to register."  Yeah, I'm gonna go with no.  I have been around some pregnant women who actually try to remember things and focus, but they just can't remember things.

Some doctors suggest that a pregnant woman get as much sleep as possible to combat the forgetfulness.  This means I'm screwed.  The wife still isn't getting much sleep or is constantly having sleep interruptions.  So without a fully rested brain to assist her, I fear she is a prime candidate for pregnancy brain.  And this just will not do.  You see, I have a horrible memory.  Actually that's not true.  I have a horrible memory for things that I need to remember.  I have an excellent memory for useless pop culture trivia.  I was watching Jeopardy one day and the final category was "Famous Middle Names".  I wagered all my "money" and guessed Amadeus before the question appeared.  I got it right.  But really, that knowledge isn't going to help me find my watch before I go to work.  My wife is my memory for the important stuff.  And when you combine pregnancy brain with overstuffed with trivia brain...well you don't get a great memory, that's for sure.

Cocktail Anyone?

WOW!  I have not written a post in quite a while.  I started a new-ish position at my job and have been exhausted.  I guess I am just getting prepared for when the little peanut comes.  Although if my job still makes me tired at that point, then am I going to be okay because of the practice run? or will I just be no use to anybody?

Anywho, we have reached week 13 folks!!  And you know what time it is!  Food size comparison time!!!! Yaaayyyyy!  Now I'm going to take a brief pause to allow you to guess what food the parasite is the same size as........(insert Jeopardy theme song).......a medium-sized shrimp!  Yeah, you didn't guess that!  No you didn't. No you did not.  Ha!  I win.  So the parasite looks like a shrimp.

Another highlight this week: the baby just got some fingerprints.  This past 13 weeks it coulda been pulling off some B&Es without a trace of evidence.  Okay maybe a little.  It just blows my mind that fingerprints come so soon.  Not even sure what we need fingerprints for, but I'm almost positive it's not as important as the things that are last to develop.  Odd.  Okay I just looked it up and it turns out fingerprints are pretty darn important to our sense of touch on our hands.  Sooooo yeah.  You're welcome for that.

Don't Hug A Leopard

It appears that I have been replaced.  I knew this day was coming.  I was warned about it years ago.  I just didn't think that it would happen so early on in the pregnancy.  My wife bought a body pillow.  It's not just any body pillow either.  It's a leopard print, velvety-soft body pillow.  I can't compete with that!  Nobody can!  I am a human being, with warm human being skin.  And for a woman who is prone to hot flashes, like my wife is, my warm skin is torture.  I can't help it though.  I was born this way and I'm quite attached to my warm skin.

So now I am left on my own, and my wife has a soft body pillow to cuddle.  I'm actually thinking of buying a plain white body-pillow-size pillow case and using an iron-on transfer to put my face on the pillow case.  That way I don't have to feel jealous at all because the wife will be hugging a surrogate me.  Ok, I admit it, there will be a little jealousy still.  But not nearly as much as there would be with her hugging a leopard body pillow.  Odd hey?  Oh well.  Here's what the wife's body pillow is going to look like.  And by all means, use my idea. Just don't tell my wife that you're hugging me every night.

Mom.....I Am Your Baaaabyyy

So today we attempted to hear the baby's heart beat.  No dice.  We knew we were pushing it a little, considering the parasite has only been cooking for 12 weeks.  But the stunt double is going on holidays and wanted to try before she left. And that little peanut would not let us hear.  All we got to hear was something that sounded like Darth Vader was hanging out in the wife's uterus.  I'm not sure what exactly he was trying to say due to Darth's asthma, but I'm pretty sure it was something like "Hey mom! You're pretty darn cool!"...or something to that effect.  You never know with these things.

So no heartbeat this time.  But there is no need to worry because there hasn't been any issues and it is still fairly early.  We booked another attempt for 4 weeks from now, and I'm positive we will hear it then.  And then next we will have the ultrasound, which is super exciting.  We will have our first glimpse of the little parasite.  Baby's first picture...but also the decision to find out the gender. EEK!  I'm just not ready for that kind of decision yet.

Put The Lime In The Coconut

Well we are almost at 12 weeks and what a milestone it is!  3 months and also the end of the first trimester.

That means we can tell people.  Hahahaha!  This means that I can tell people.  I would be hard-pressed to find someone that my wife hasn't told.  She claims that she hasn't told many people but I'm pretty sure that's a big fib.  It's like the whole math equation for how many people you've slept with.  For girls you take (number she says) X 7 = actual number of sexual partners.  And guys you divide by 7.  Or something to that effect.  So for my wife you take the number of people she says she told and times that by 20.  Give or take.  It's not her fault really, it's just that she can not hold in a surprise.

So now I will be telling more people.  And what is exciting is that our baby is the size of a Lime!  Finally a fruit that I don't have to google in order to explain to others.  (I still have no clue as to what a fig is!)  Yay!  So this long weekend while you're doing your tequila shots, think of that little parasite growing in my wife's tummy.

Who The Heck Are You?

A friend asked my wife if we know what we want our baby to call us.  Like does one want to be "Mom" while the other will be "Mommy"?  Oddly enough, this is the first time we've really been asked that kind of question.  We have talked with others about what the grandmothers will be called.  The vote went to "Mee-maw" for my mom, and Sarah's mom decided on "Gran" as she is an avid Coronation Street viewer.  We just haven't talked to anyone about what we will be called.  Don't get me wrong, we have definitely talked about this to each other.  I'm sure the child will figure out what it wants to call each of us.  But really, if it wants us that badly, once it can talk it will figure out a way to get our attention.  Hollering "hey you!" is bound to get someone's attention.

I know what you're thinking...."Hey lady! The name of your blog is The Other Mommy".  Well folks, I thought of "The Other Mother" but that made me think of "brother from another mother".  I also thought of "The Other Mom" but that made me think of a step-mom.  So I guess I jumped the gun, and maybe I have inadvertently chosen "mommy" for myself.  At this point I really can't say.  All I am is a muffled, booming voice that speaks into the bellybutton microphone from time to time.  I guess we will just have to wait and see when the little peanut starts to gab.

Ballet Dancing Fig Baby

Well, we are at 11 weeks people!  That means we are just in sight of the start of the second trimester.  Eek!  Ok, I'm good ...for now.  Baby is the size of a fig.  Go look it up, I will wait.  Believe me, I had to go Google that too, and it was so not what I was expecting.  Where does one purchase a fig?  And how does one eat it?  Do you only eat the insides?

Ok, enough about figs and on to the good stuff.  The baby is almost fully formed and the bones are starting to harden.  There are even tooth buds...TOOTH BUDS!  I would think teeth would be last on the list of things to happen.  Now all I can think about are those children who are born with teeth or get them soon after birth.  That's a huge "hells no" to breastfeeding, I would say.

Oh! And the baby is kicking and stretching in "ballet-like" movements.  Look at that.  Our child is a ballerina...or ballerino?  For some reason I'm thinking there is a different words for a male ballet dancer.  I really don't know.  Won't get to feel the baby move for a couple months I guess, but we get to hear the heart soon!

Oh and before I forget:

At first glance you thought it was real hey?

Yeah Yeah, As Long As It's Healthy

The question, the question, what is the biggest question?  How far along? Maybe.  Any morning sickness? Yes, that too.  But the one question is boy or girl?  I don't know if we are going to "peek" at the little parasite and see if we have to nail down all of the toilet seats in the house.  I have always been pretty adamant that I would never want to know.  Some romanticized vision of being surprised while taking a peek as the baby comes out, then running through the halls screaming "IT'S A ?????????????????!!!!!!!!"  I'd do it too.  Then I'd pass out cigars or gum.  I know! Trident layers gum!  Everyone on the commercials wants to be paid in Trident layers gum.

It's a girl!!

It's a boy!!

There was also some talk of not wanting to know because it's like peeking in the presents before Christmas morning.  And I am all for that argument because I'm a firm believer in keeping secrets. BUT...on the other hand I do not like surprises.  I like to be prepared.  I like to see my options and choose accordingly.  Peeking early would give us a chance to prepare, not only physically, but emotionally as well.  Girls and boys are very different so I think some preparation emotionally would be beneficial.  Oh who knows?

Today's Cooking Lesson: Fruit Salad

So this week my wife is 10 weeks pregnant and once again the size comparison is related to fruit. This week… The baby is the size of the kumquat. I have no idea what a kumquat is, but I'm told that it is like a small orange that you can eat the peels of.  My wife informs me that I have eaten a kumquat before; however, it still sounds gross. When I eaten orange I have to make sure all of the leftover white stuff is completely gone before I will even begin to eat it. So I find it hard to believe that I would dive in and eat the peels and all of a kumquat.  Okay just so you know what we're talking about in terms of size, the following picture shows kumquats in relation to other fruit.  

It just so happens that my wife's uterus is now the size of a grapefruit so you can see how tiny the baby is in comparison.  Once again I am left hungry after these weekly size reports. Although I am happy to report that my dieting efforts have paid off and I have lost 6.2 pounds, while my wife has gained 5 pounds. I know she's cooking the baby but still feels good that she is gaining while I am losing for a change. Maybe I'm losing weight because the baby is never compared to unhealthy food items. But I am probably jinxing myself and will get a notification that the baby is as big as a chocolate macadamian nut cookie from subway. Yummy!

Sign On The Dotted Line Please....With Blood

For some stupid reason I told my wife that she shouldn't need to buy maternity clothes since she can just wear my baggy shirts and bigger pants.  I think I was joking at the time, but I'm not really one hundred percent positive.  Needless to say, I am regretting that decision.  A pair of my exercise pants now have paint on the butt because she wore them for painting.  And I seem to have lost all of my sweat pants.  I think if this is going to continue I should lay down some ground rules.  Like she can wear the clothes, but only certain things in certain instances.  Or I could go through the clothes and give her the shirts I don't really care that much for.  I think going so far as to draw up a contract would be taking it a little too far, but I'm sure a verbal agreement would be sufficient.  I don't know how much I trust her to honour a verbal agreement.  I don't even let my friends borrow my movies with a verbal agreement.  They must initial next to the name of the movie and sign at the bottom.  The punishment for not returning them is a touch severe: first born child or I get to break a limb.  I can't exactly put those kinds of stipulations in a contract for my wife though.  But I must come up with something.  Stay tuned.

Do They Sell Baby Paper Bags?

I am an honest person, and if you have been reading this blog then you know that I sometimes say inappropriate things.  I mean well, mind you, but they are inappropriate nonetheless.  So it shouldn't come as much surprise when I say that I don't care if the baby is a boy or a girl, or even if it has ten fingers and ten toes.  I do, however, care if it's ugly.  Now you're probably saying "how can a baby be ugly?!"  It's possible, believe me.  It's just that nobody talks about it.  Nobody wants to be that person who tells the new parent that their child is ugly.  So everyone knows, they just won't talk about it.  And if they do, they just aren't saying it to the parents or immediate family who may blab to the parents.
Here are some examples:

This baby wants its precious.

Do I even need to comment?

This hat doesn't help either.

This brings to mind hairy babies and babies with unibrows.  Is it cruel to pluck a baby's unibrow?  Their pictures are going to be show to them their whole life, and the last thing they want to see is a unibrow on their infant self.  I'm not condoning electrolosis or anything like that.  Just a little wax or tweezers to separate those fighting caterpillars.  I don't even know what a solution would be for a hairy baby.  Shave and a haircut?  Oh and baby unibrows do exist.

See. I told you.

Sooooo, "they" are sick now.  They have a cold to be exact.  It doesn't surprise me since the wife has been sleeping with the fan on to calm the hot flashes.  Yeah it may be winter outside, but I'm going with the fan as the culprit.  Goose bumps are just not in anyone's best interest in winter.  Especially when you're cooking a baby inside you.

Did you know that pregnant women cannot take anything when they have a cold?  Nothing!  And do you know how grumpy a pregnant woman is when she cannot take anything for it?  Very.  When I say she can't take anything, I mean she cannot take ANYTHING.  Not even throat lozenge.  So my wife is upset that she can't have her Ricola Lemon Mint cough drop.  The pharmacist told her no.  Which makes total sense since I'm almost positive Ricola's secret blend of 13 herbs is really just 50% Lysol lemon spray.  Seriously, have you ever smelled someone's breath who has just eaten one?  Smells like Lysol.  I bet that if you haven't already done it, you're thinking of smelling someone's Lemon Mint Ricola breath.  Just try to make sure it's someone you know.  That would make for one awkward explanation that you are checking to see if it smells like Lysol.

E=mc² To The Millionth Power!

So I was perusing our go-to baby website today and found this picture of what a 9 weeks cooking baby is supposed to look similar to.   Look at the size of its head!

I couldn't help but be reminded of this mutant on Futurama:

Looks eerily similar doesn't it?  Aside from the hair and teeth that is.  Wow wouldn't that be mind-blowingly scary to see hair and teeth on a 9 week old fetus when you go to research what it looks like.  I don't know about you, but I would be afraid of what was to come.  Oh and just in case you were wondering...

Oh! And a Side of Garlic Bread

So the baby is 9 and 1/2 weeks cooking right now and hopefully forming quite nicely on schedule.  Last week baby was the size of a kidney bean.  This week, a grape.  With the baby forming at this rate I'm curious as to what size the baby is at 9 and 1/2 weeks.  A pecan?  A weird purple grape?  How much growth are we looking at in this half time show?

Well however big it is, all this food talk is making me hungry.  Maybe this is why pregnant women have all kinds of weird food cravings.  The pregnant woman wakes up wanting to have some "Honey Nut Cheerios" for breakfast.  Before heading down to grab some of those delicious nutty 'os she decides to check her email.  And what does she find there?  An email telling her that she is now 8 weeks along in her pregnancy and her unborn baby is the size of a kidney bean.  Next thing you know WHAM! she is craving some chilli.  Now those "Honey Nut Cheerios" are still in the pantry and the woman's partner has to deal with the after-gas of this whole situation.  It's a cruel, cruel world out there and someone in the food industry is playing head-games with poor, pregnant women.  And me too, I guess, since now I'm wondering if we have any ground beef in the house.  Hmmm.

My Wallet Aches Already

Well 9 weeks down and only about 30 to go.  I take back what I said yesterday, I am no longer impatient for the baby to arrive.  There is WAY too much to be done.

Went to the first doctor`s visit today.  Seemed like a pointless visit to me.  Nothing eventful like the first one when you get to hear the baby`s heart (Feb. 15!!!!).  The doctor we went to see wasn't even my wife`s regular doctor.  The regular one is on mat leave until April.  Side note: do they delivery their own babies??  Anyway... So right now we are just working with her stunt double.  The thing is I'm not sure if the stunt double knows she is the stunt double.  She may think she is seeing this baby through to the end.  Awkward.  Oh well, all's fair in baby cooking.  I did manage to get in a question though; however it had nothing to do with conjoined twins.  I'm sorry!  I fought with myself the whole time about whether to ask it.  Instead, after my wife had just expressed interest in wanting to try vaginal birth since she had a c-section almost 12 years ago, I asked the doc if birth-weight is determined by the parents birth-weight.  I asked because my wife was a huge baby and the donor was a huge baby.  Just looking out for the wife.

Before the visit, while waiting in the lobby, we noticed some appropriately placed catalogues for Sears' baby collection.  Looking at that catalogue made me realize I am in the wrong business.  I need to start making furniture for little humans and charge a fortune for it.  AND I need to make a ton of it too.  How can such tiny little human beings need so much stuff??  Beds, dressers, change tables, gates, bassinets, strollers, baths, playpens, rocking chairs, mobiles, etc.  What did our ancestors do without all that stuff?  Is that why infant mortality rates were so high?  Must have been due to no safety latch on the outhouses.  Can you imagine potty training on a gaping hole???  We have come such a long way.

Should I Be Saying This Out Loud?

We have reached 9 weeks!  Yeah that just did not sound as impressive as I thought it would.  This baby is taking a long time to cook.  Even my mother-in-law thinks so.  She asked how far along my wife is now and when we said 9 weeks she told us she was hoping it was like 12 weeks already.  I must say I agree...even if I'm not prepared for this baby in any way.

Tomorrow is the first doctor's appointment and so many questions are running through my mind to ask.  Mostly they have to do with odds of conjoined twins and the like, so I'm just preparing for this appointment by pushing those questions back into the "stuff you shouldn't say out loud" file.  Surprisingly that file has a lot of stuff in it considering I have a tendency to say random thoughts out loud.  Don't get me wrong, I do have a filter.  That filter just seems to hide when I really need it the most.  So I should probably leave the questions up to my wife to ask.  Better to be safe than sorry.

My Wife's Boobs Have Gotten Bigger

That's all I'm going to say about that unless I want to be sleeping on the couch for the next little while.

Now on to less TMI quality posting.  I have mentioned before that my wife is going through some hot-flashes while sleeping, because apparently the majority of baby cooking goes on at night.  So our queen-size bed, which I once thought was a little too small for us to comfortably sleep in, now seems to have a ton of extra space.  I'm not naturally a cuddler.  I will do it for a short amount of time until I'm ready for the sandman to take me, but once I decide I want to go to sleep I do not want to be smothered.  There is an episode of Friends where Chandler complains to Ross about having to cuddle Janice at night.  Ross teaches Chandler a method where he should hug Janice in close, roll towards her side, and then roll away while slowly yanking his arm out.  Long episode short, Chandler sends Janice flying.  I have wanted to do this on more than one occasion. Not send my wife flying!  Just roll her away.  Unfortunately, my wife is THE lightest sleeper, and this would never work.  Now that she is having hot-flashes she is up all hours of the night.  Usually this gets blamed on our dog, or the snow plows, or whatever else happens to make a slight noise.  And I am the bad guy because I sleep like the dead.  Oh and if you're wondering if you should tell a pregnant woman that this is just preparation for when the baby is born DON'T.  For some reason they don't like that.  Who knew?

So now we are left with around two feet between us at night, and honestly it feels a bit weird...but in a good way.  The wife says that it proves a baby will be able to fit in-between us, but that concerns me.  I sleep so sound that I don't know what goes on during that time.  I sleep on my stomach, but there are times when I wake up on my back.  I'm am almost positive this is not a graceful transition so I can only imagine how much fun it's going to be if the wife decides to lay the baby between us.  And I can't see her enjoying that since she can't even stand the dog laying on the bed.  Sure she claims its the dog hair she hates, but I'm pretty sure it's the lack of freedom to move around.  Whatever the reason, baby in the bed = no good can possible come from it.  Unless we get a king-size bed.  Hmmmm......

Hilarious as #$*%

Last night I watched the ever hilarious "Modern Family" and one plot point brought up a question for me: will I be able to control my laughter the first time my child swears?  The little girl on the show dropped a few f-bombs and one of her fathers could not control his laughter.  This only encouraged the little girl to continue with her behaviour.  This situation scares me.  I feel that if someone says something funny then the appropriate thing to do is to laugh.  To me a child swearing is so innocent and out of character that it is hilarious.  You just do not see it coming.

My god-son was three when in an extremely tired state he swore at his parents in the middle of the night.  Apparently he used it in the right context and everything.  My instincts would tell me to laugh in this situation, but as a parent I would be expected to correct this behaviour.  I don't know how well that will work.  I have heard that when you're in the situation it's different, but I am highly sceptical.  I occasionally call a friend of mine "gramma" as a joke, and one day her seven year old daughter called her that while I was visiting.  It was said at just the right (wrong?) time and I could not help myself from laughing out loud.  My friend was not happy...with either of us, and I have a feeling this will also be my wife's reaction when the time comes.  I think she already knows it too.

Honestly it will probably be Karma biting me back.  I am a fairly sarcastic person, so this will be Karma's way of dealing me what I have dished out for so many years.  All the good deeds in the world can not erase the sarcasm and jokes that I've inflicted upon the world.  And children are Karma's best vessel.